Google Instant , Filter Coffee and Mumbai Trains

There’s so much buzz about “Google Instant”  , my friend Venkat Ballsubbu , Senior Executive with an MNC Consulting in India , decided to call up Google to find out.

Venkat: What’s this Google Instant ? Don’t you know we still like Filter Coffee!

Google: Sir , Google Instant is not an Instant Coffee , It’s our new search enhancement that shows results as you type.

Venkat: But why , you guys were fast enough.  Many times you boast saying - About 104,000,000 results (0.19 seconds) , while my slow internet connection took 9 minutes to show them.

Google: (Faster Searches)  Sir , Our key technical insight was that people type slowly, but read quickly, So Google Instant can save 2-5 seconds.

Venkat: 2-5 SECONDS , Big deal !  We in India waste hours in meetings , while taking minutes ; waste hours smoking ,having tea , travelling on potholed roads , watching TV serials like Rahul ka swayamwar . We still waste days observing Bandhs for no rhyme or reason ; waste years preparing for Common Wealth Games and some Bollywood actors have wasted lifetime learning acting – What you talk 2-5 seconds of savings.

Google: (Smarter Predictions) Sir , Also , even when you don’t know exactly what you’re looking for, predictions help guide your search.

Venkat:  WTF ! , Predictions , My foot ! Every time I type "How to" , you predict “How to get pregnant” , You think an Indian needs Google to teach him How to get or make pregnant? 

Google: Sir , The most obvious change is that you get to the right content much faster than before because you don’t have to even press “search.”

Venkat: You got it all wrong , I never mind ‘pressing’ . Come with me in Mumbai’s crowded local trains , you’ll start enjoying pressing . Your product will fail in India.

Google: Sir , By the way , It’s a FREE service.

Venkat: Oh thanks , You should have told earlier . We love anything and everything , if Free.

More about Google Instant http://google.com/instant

Tweet

Bell, Curve & Venkat's last working day.

To: The Boss
CC: All Team Mates

As many, rather all of you know that today is my last working day here. But, before I leave, let me thank all of you for giving me this opportunity, I mean the opportunity to look for a new job and, courage  to write this email.

First, I would like to thank Reena, 2 years junior to me at IIIT, still working at my level ie Asst Vice President . I thank you for making me realise that “performance is not the only thing” . Yes, the cute teddy bear on your desk, which your “cousin” gave you, was exactly the same Boss bought from Changi Airport for his “cousin”.

Ramesh, just 2 months back Boss hired you from a small time company. I always use to think that inspite of an MBA from some SurajMal Institute - Hanumangarh, how come you managed to join an MNC like ours. Then, that day in Project Dynamic success party, when we all were high, you told me that Boss’s *beautiful* wife Nisha is also from Hanumangarh. I also believe in "Family First” and now you can call her Nisha Didi.

Gloria, though you were just Boss’s secy but you always will have a special place in my life. Every time I went to a foreign  trip, you always asked for PSP games for your son. Way you use to enquire prices ( on my international roaming though) , I always went for the best deals and kept my bills safely . By the way, in the last 2 years , you owe me USD 540 , and I still have those bills.

Last, and the most, Boss, thanks for everything. Thanks for humiliating me in front of Reena, and telling me to be like her, I can’t be like her because those operations cost a lot. Thanks for telling me, throughout the year, that I am doing extremely well but still rating me “Just meets expectations” and blaming it on that “Bell Curve”, I know which "Curve" rings your "Bell". Thanks for making me pay for many lunches we had together, pretending that your Gucci wallet is in office drawer.

And, when you get call in reference to my next employment , I am sure you would say “ exceeded expectations and a great team player ” . Because, that day, after Project Dynamic party, when you were “Dirty Dancing” with XXXXX , my iPhone’s camera was working.

Once again, thank you all and be in touch with me at Venkat33 @ hotmail.com

Venkat.

By vikaspgoel | View this Toon at ToonDoo | Create your own Toon

Tweet

Pothole - Half Full or Half Empty.

Mumbai  to Mangalore , Delhi to Dhampur , Bathinda or Boston ( Yes , I said Boston ) , Potholes need no introduction , yet for the uninitiated and some inward-looking homely folks ,let me define it.

Pothole :             (noun) A pit or hole produced by wear or weathering (especially in a road surface).

I don’t understand why people crib about them or hate them , they are actually a God Gift ( see definition – weathering )  to Mankind through Roadkind . Still if some of you are  not convinced , allow me to put the  Potholes in the right perspective.

Inclusive :           It’s God’s own way of bringing the much needed inclusivity in our lives . Be it BMW or Scorpio , Kawasaki or Honda , Nano or Hummer , a pothole spares no one.

Omnipresent:      You may not find traffic police , working signal lights , traffic on the road but you’ll find a pothole – without fail.

Shapes:           As they say "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder" – just have a closer look at a pothole  , you’ll see some real art-work in them , recently I saw a “India map shaped pothole” ( Not uploading picture because Kashmir was not represented accurately in that , and I would not like to get into any controversies).

Life Savers :       You know Speed thrills but Kills. But how many of you know that 1000's of accidents , every year ,  are prevented by these humble potholes , and the credit goes to speed - breakers . They are silent speed enforcers , so even if you miss the speed-limit sign , potholes would take care of your speed.

Perspective :     During rains , these beautiful natural wonders get filled with water – now its up to you to see if it’s half full or half empty.

Reminders:        Every pothole is inbuilt with an alarm and would remind you of your life insurance premium , your appointment with  Doc for backache , medical insurance and sometimes even need to visit a Temple , a Church or a Mosque.

Hope you got it .

Disclaimer :        This is neither an offer nor a solicitation to invest in potholes.  I or my family does not hold any interest, directly or indirectly in any of the potholes in India or outside.

Tweet

Uday Chopra , Suzuki GSK-R1000K6 and Twitter

As you know, Bobby, my friend works with Twitter and takes care of the verification process at Twitter, narrated to me how Uday Chopra got his account verified.

Uday :  Hi, Is this Twitter? I am Uday. I need to get my Twitter account verified. And listen, I am in a hurry,  have to leave for a shoot.

Bobby: Sir , Kindly give me your full name and Isn't shooting illegal in India?

Uday:  Bugger, firstly,to be precise, I am the Uday Chopra and am talking about film shooting. You haven’t watched DDLJ ....

Bobby: Ya, Ya now I remember, were you SRK’s friend who wore a cap....

Uday:  Bugger, that was Karan Johar, ....any ways what about “ Mujhse Dosti Karoge”?

Bobby: Sir please , I am not that type and I have a girl friend..

Uday : I AM TALKING ABOUT  THE MOVIE , ANY WAYS DID YOU WATCH DHOOM 2 ?

Bobby: Yes Sir , there were 3 Suzuki bikes 1000 cc GSK-R1000K6 , 600 cc GSX-R600K6 and GSR600K6 and all are my favourite , Hrithik was excellent , Abhishek was Ok but there was one bugger who shouldn’t be even allowed to drive a Luna . By the way, Were you director of the movie ...?

Uday: Forget it , Did you see Pyaar Impossible ?

Bobby: Yes sir, we got some free passes  , free popcorn and a corner couple seat . So went with my girl friend . There was Priyanka Chopra in it.......

Uday:  ( interrupts and sighs with relief ) There you are , and I was Priyanka Chopra’s ....

Bobby: (Interrupting ) you should have told earlier sir . Your account is verified now . Completes the details - Uday Chopra , Brother of Priyanka Chopra .... .Hangs the phone.

PS: I am a big fan of Uday Chopra , and I promise that I’ll watch his movie whenever he does his "ACTING" debut. 

Tweet

Can we take it offline ?

Reporter of The Daily Times decides to call his friend  Harry Blotter , MBA from IIIIPPM , Associate Managing Director with Hefner and Old consultants  NA for a quick view on the Blackberry ban.

Reporter:            You think the Blackberry ban is justified ?

Harry :  Holy Crap , this Government  needs to start with  “Blue Sky thinking” , “deep dive” into the issue , do a  “SWOT” , then take a call to “Pull the plug”. When technology is not the “Core Competency” of the Government, why doesn’t it “touch-base” with other “Stake Holders”  , discuss it “Thread Bare” and then arrive at a “Win-Win” situation . By the way , Government’s approach should be “Customer Centric” and it needs to discuss the issue “End to End” while keeping the “End use perspective” in mind so that it “Manages expectations” of all. Above all , whatever be the “End result” , it ought to be “scalable” , which will require “robust” planning . But the problem is no one is looking at the “Big Picture” , everyone is concentrating at “Low hanging fruits” without “leveraging” the “synergies” and the biggest worry is who will “take ownership”.

Reporter :           Sir , I repeat the question , Is the ban on the blackberry justified ?

Harry:    Can we take it offline ?

Tweet