Friday, September 24, 2010

Playing Buzkashi in office.

I met my friend ,Vencut Balsubbu, Vice President, Synergistic Initiatives, Hefner & Hustler, after a  long time . While chatting, I asked him that how he, an adventure sports loving person,  passes his time in office. “I play email-email” He added “You should know that “email email” is the most popular, adventurous yet dangerous game ever invented after Buzkashi .

He didn’t wait to give me some of his favorites:

When free and have nothing to do, just pick up an email with some attachment, say something like "Seems fine but doesn't gel with the overall strategy , suggest meeting to discuss in detail . Asok, see if you can make a lucid one pager for all" and do reply all. Don’t forget to add some random recipients. It will just take 2 minutes but will set people back by 2 days. Of course , poor Asok will end up working weekend and many will  die figuring out why the email is copied to them.

Whenever you get a forward which is bulky and complex , containing some industry research, all you need to do is to forward to your boss. Add a message like this “don’t agree with all of it but the stats on page 19 are really eye opening” , of course you need not read anything except page 19. If you manage a team , the same document can be sent to them with a message “Let’s discuss sometime next week” , and some of them will take the print home to prepare for the next week.

Whenever you come across any newspaper article on your industry covering a subject like IT or HR which is not your domain, just find the link through google and send it to your peer in IT saying “Came across this piece , speaks about breakthrough in production, in beta though , may be of interest to you” . Of course the message looks benign but the moment you copy it to Head of IT , turns lethal.

Google Alerts, best thing ever happened to an office goer. Everyone creates alerts about your organisation, competitors, but to standout you try this "Strategy+Synergy+(insert name of sector you work)" . Now the moment you get some result, just download the column and forward it to Head-Strategy and Head-HR with a copy to Executive Assistant of the CEO, just say "Must Read". And, yes no need to read it yourself.

And finally when in doubt, just forward the email saying “fyi , please”.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Dear Ganesha, So What....

Like every year, this year too we are celebrating Ganesh Chaturthi  will all the fervour and gaiety . And , I am sure YOU will bless us all , after all we do so much for YOU.

We spare no efforts in collecting “chanda” from all and sundry in your name , so what if we have to beat a couple of shopkeepers for not paying what we asked for.

We ensure that your procession is the best and biggest , and do every bit to make you reach early and safe to the “visarjan area” , so what if we have to block traffic for couple of hours or more, so what if some critical patient carrying ambulance get delayed or some office goers face problems, so what if all the state's traffic police is dedicated  towards YOUR safety while ignoring other areas.

We play music at our loudest to entertain you , some times even play Bappi , Himesh or “Munni Badnam Hui” so that you know the latest trends , So what if the kids preparing for exams can’t concentrate or some ailing patients get disturbed.

Your idols have to be the best without making any compromises on your looks , so what if they are made in plaster of paris and painted in some nickel and cadmium heavy paints. 

We will immerse you in sea not in any specially made visarjan ponds , because that’s the place to be , so what if that pollutes the water or disturb the ecological balance.

Now that we have done so much for you , why won't you bless us.

Disclaimer: Dear Ganesha , I have copied the above image from web without paying any royalty as I don't know who has patented YOU or your images.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Google Instant , Filter Coffee and Mumbai Trains

There’s so much buzz about “Google Instant”  , my friend Venkat Ballsubbu , Senior Executive with an MNC Consulting in India , decided to call up Google to find out.

Venkat: What’s this Google Instant ? Don’t you know we still like Filter Coffee!
Google: Sir , Google Instant is not an Instant Coffee , It’s our new search enhancement that shows results as you type.

Venkat: But why , you guys were fast enough.  Many times you boast saying - About 104,000,000 results (0.19 seconds) , while my slow internet connection took 9 minutes to show them.
Google: (Faster Searches)  Sir , Our key technical insight was that people type slowly, but read quickly, So Google Instant can save 2-5 seconds.

Venkat: 2-5 SECONDS , Big deal !  We in India waste hours in meetings , while taking minutes ; waste hours smoking ,having tea , travelling on potholed roads , watching TV serials like Rahul ka swayamwar . We still waste days observing Bandhs for no rhyme or reason ; waste years preparing for Common Wealth Games and some Bollywood actors have wasted lifetime learning acting – What you talk 2-5 seconds of savings.

Google: (Smarter Predictions) Sir , Also , even when you don’t know exactly what you’re looking for, predictions help guide your search.
Venkat:  WTF ! , Predictions , My foot ! Every time I type "How to" , you predict “How to get pregnant” , You think an Indian needs Google to teach him How to get or make pregnant? 

Google: Sir , The most obvious change is that you get to the right content much faster than before because you don’t have to even press “search.”
Venkat: You got it all wrong , I never mind ‘pressing’ . Come with me in Mumbai’s crowded local trains , you’ll start enjoying pressing . Your product will fail in India.

Google: Sir , By the way , It’s a FREE service.
Venkat: Oh thanks , You should have told earlier . We love anything and everything , if Free.

More about Google Instant

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Bell, Curve & Venkat's last working day.

To: The Boss
CC: All Team Mates

As many, rather all of you know that today is my last working day here. But, before I leave, let me thank all of you for giving me this opportunity, I mean the opportunity to look for a new job and, courage  to write this email.

First, I would like to thank Reena, 2 years junior to me at IIIT, still working at my level ie Asst Vice President . I thank you for making me realise that “performance is not the only thing” . Yes, the cute teddy bear on your desk, which your “cousin” gave you, was exactly the same Boss bought from Changi Airport for his “cousin”.

Ramesh, just 2 months back Boss hired you from a small time company. I always use to think that inspite of an MBA from some SurajMal Institute - Hanumangarh, how come you managed to join an MNC like ours. Then, that day in Project Dynamic success party, when we all were high, you told me that Boss’s *beautiful* wife Nisha is also from Hanumangarh. I also believe in "Family First” and now you can call her Nisha Didi.

Gloria, though you were just Boss’s secy but you always will have a special place in my life. Every time I went to a foreign  trip, you always asked for PSP games for your son. Way you use to enquire prices ( on my international roaming though) , I always went for the best deals and kept my bills safely . By the way, in the last 2 years , you owe me USD 540 , and I still have those bills.

Last, and the most, Boss, thanks for everything. Thanks for humiliating me in front of Reena, and telling me to be like her, I can’t be like her because those operations cost a lot. Thanks for telling me, throughout the year, that I am doing extremely well but still rating me “Just meets expectations” and blaming it on that “Bell Curve”, I know which "Curve" rings your "Bell". Thanks for making me pay for many lunches we had together, pretending that your Gucci wallet is in office drawer.

And, when you get call in reference to my next employment , I am sure you would say “ exceeded expectations and a great team player ” . Because, that day, after Project Dynamic party, when you were “Dirty Dancing” with XXXXX , my iPhone’s camera was working.

Once again, thank you all and be in touch with me at Venkat33 @