Back from a vacation, Relax!

Earlier we discussed about how to plan a vacation when you are working in a corporate. And, it remains one of the most popular posts here. Google Analytics informs me that some people also reached that post while googling  “How to kill your Boss and other pursuit of happiness in office” . It's perfectly normal.

I noticed that while we have become smart enough to plan holidays, we still don’t know how to behave in office after a vacation.  “Darling, you know that we are just back after a 3 day holiday, so I need to catch-up with work. Shall be coming late for the next 3-4 days, please don't disturb now” Ramesh told his wife who called while he was in a meeting. That’s why Ramesh is still Senior Manager - Accounts. 

The art of successful vacationing doesn't end with a vacation, it begins from there.

Other day, I met Vencut ( Senior Vice President, Strategy) who was just back from his short vacation. Guy was bubbling with energy in the meeting room. Just before the very important fire-fighting meeting begun, one of his Associate Managers asked “Boss, how was your trip?”. And ,he began. “This is one of the best short trips I ever had. Simi just loved it. Drive on the Western Ghats is amazing, any of you guys tried that Hill Descent Control? I think this time BMW got it right. Prabal fort is a must visit man. I just relaxed, switched-off my blackberry and finished reading “LEAN IN, though I don’t necessarily agree with Sheryl Sandberg. Only thing I missed was my guitar classes, must leave office early for few weeks to catch-up on those ” .For the next 23 minutes, Vencut was just on and on about his trip.

If you notice carefully there are lessons here which a typical middle-management guy needs to learn from Vencut.

Never ever feel ashamed of taking leave and going for a vacation. Moment you start your after-vacation day by saying that “Got too many emails to clear, may get late in office”, you are bound to stick to that Assistant Vice President role, for ever. Grow Up. 

What Vencut called a ‘short’ vacation was actually a 7 day leave. And his passionate description of his rather simple holiday amused every one. This is what you need to learn.

Did you notice that he said “Simi” twice, without caring if people knew that his wife’s name is Simi. Who cares if you don’t know?  That’s how senior management and rich people talk about their family members ( and even their pet dogs ).

Not only did he tell that he drives a BMW, but also the book which he’s reading. This is how you inspire people. Next day, 5 of his team members were seen ordering “Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg” from flipkart. And some were even searching for what a Hill Descent Control means.

In Summary:
Senior Management : After coming back from the vacation, for next 2-3 days they don't leave any opportunity to passionately describe the awesomeness of their vacation.

Middle Management : For the full week they keep cribbing that they had to check emails, attend calls from Boss, do con-calls even when they were on vacation.

Junior Management : They begin their day with feeling guilty that they went for vacation and work late hours to compensate for the loss.

So, next time you are back from a vacation, you know how to behave.

PS: Click here to read the post I referred in the beginning .

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Oh my God, I am speechless!

Whenever I see these award functions, be it one of those 192 Bollywood awards an year or the one and only 'The Oscars', I dream of giving an acceptance speech.

Other way to express gratitude publicly is through these reality shows like KBC. Problem is that since childhood, I never faced any financial hardship. Also, none of my parents beat me so that I can paint a sorry picture.  Sometimes they gave me more than they could afford or I deserved, so nothing there in my life which makes me eligible to appear in a reality show. 

Then I thought why to subject myself to this cruel, man eat man world of cinema or reality TV when there is our own twitter. 

Now that I have 'arrived' on twitter, I must give an acceptance speech.

Here you go.

"Oh my God, Oh my God, I am speechless, this is incredible. I can’t believe that some 1200 of you, whom I haven't paid a single rupee, are following me. This is awesome. 

It’s an unbelievable act of God that you guys are following me. Some of you even have bigger car than me, which you keep flaunting every now and then, still follow me. That’s self less.

To all those pretty ladies, who keep ranting about their useless hubbies, in-disciplined kids but lovely dogs, thanks for following me. 

All those twitter biggies, with tens of thousands of followers, who are more particular about choosing the people they follow than their kids’ primary schools; I am indebted to you for life for following me.

Those wonderful wren n martin fan-club guys, known as Grammar-Nazis here, you are doing an awesome job. So what if a guy takes an hour to produce that deadly piece of witty pun, it’s your duty to tell in a split second that it should be it’s not its. Your (sorry) You’re awesome.

I must applaud the ladies and gentlemen, who always order food not for its taste but for it’s tweetability and instagrammableness. Wow. Your broccoli looks better than my coriander.

Special thanks to all those pun-machines, even if they are helping their kid to cross the road, then also they ensure that they tweet the joke at the speed of Usain Bolt to impress me and some 2345 other unknown blokes. Hope their kid has crossed the road safely.

I must mention here all those “avid readers” who drive all the way to crossword book stores, click pictures of books, tweet them. So what if they don’t buy or read. 

A special mention to those, who are awake till wee hours, just to participate in hash-tags because their twitter idols are also doing so. Kids' bed-time stories can happen later.

There's also a breed who live-tweet every TV event, be it a cricket match or an award show. They do this in spite of knowing that TV reach is far more than twitter. Take a bow.

How can I forget all those weather-broadcasters and flight information disseminatiors, it's because of you that people like me know that Pune's weather is awesome and flight to Bangalore is delayed by 30 minutes. What a service!

I know I am forgetting some tribes here, but as I said, Oh my God, Oh my God, I am speechless”

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Bad Day at office!

Pretty common, right!. Actually a Bad Day at office is as inevitable as bad traffic on your way to office. Remember that guy in Ceat Ad said "Street is full of Idiots" . However, smart, savvy and cautious driver you are, there will always be some jerks on the road, who'll bug you and even put you to risk. Some are as grave as life threatening, some are just annoying by their honking. Similarly at office, a bad day may be just a mood-spoiler or career limiting.

Coming back to my theory that office is not meant to give you happiness, because they pay you. It's upon you that in the process of doing job and making money, you may have have some (or more, if you are smart enough ) moments of fun. So, if you didn't have a bad day, it's their lameness, your luck and smartness, else Idiots will leave no chance to make it bad.

My point is, problem is not a bad day, problem is if you let it affect you. My two cents on how to cope with it.

• First thing first, they pay you, right. Just have a look at that salary credit sms you got, feel better! But never look at someone else's salary credit, that's damaging and beyond the scope of this blog.
• Ignore, simply ignore. If you don't believe it's bad, it's not. Dhoni is still playing, and Akshay Kumar is still acting and people are still speaking ill about both of them. Ignore.
• Theory of relativity. Do you remember that quiz where they ask you "How to make this line __________________shorter without erasing it? Simple, draw a longer line _______________________________ next to it. Hope you got the message, your bad day is not bad, if you make someone else's even worse. I know it's mean, but who said Life in Office is fair.
• Sycophancy helps. I think Rumi once said, 'Sycophant a day, keeps a bad day away' Always have people around who are ready to say at the drop of hat "Boss, awesome stinker email, you just nailed the matter, good that you replied all and copied COO as well". Sycophants are real morale-booster and as effective as doping, and not even illegal. 
• Pretend & Act. Come on, there's a bit of Tusshar Kapoor & Abhishek Bachchan in all of us. Ever noticed their interviews, tweets "Tweeple, Damn busy with some good assignments, so won't be able to reply, XOXO". And, some believe this also. Just pretend that you are having awesome time. Act as if it was the other guy who lost the argument in the office meeting and feel sorry about him.
• Revenge. Little tricky but effective if done well. Start with, not working and just lazying around in office for some days. That's your revenge on the employer, you not working and they still paying you. Some do it through out their office life, but that's senior management forte, so avoid over doing. 

If any of these doesn't help, hit the Bar. There's nothing which a true spirit can't cure. Cheers.

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Corporate Lessons from Life of Pi

I watched Life of Pi yesterday. I know, a bit too late but this happens when you got a middle class mentality and wait for everyone else to watch the film and confirm that it’s worth spending 1500 bucks. By the way, I was hugely disappointed. No, the movie is awesome but I am disappointed with the reviews. Reviewers just focused on one aspect – a visual treat. I think this was much beyond that and had many a life lessons to be learnt.

Here are some.

Never ever blame your parents for naming you. No name is bad, not even ones containing words like Dick, Shit, Pee or whatever. Learn from "Piscine Molitor Patel”, if he can live with a name like that, so can you.

When they say “Religion is the Opium of Masses”, they mean if you overdo one religion. If religion interests you, don’t stick to one. Remember what Pi said “I am a catholic Hindu” and he offered namaz too. 

Don't fuss too much about your eating habits - being a vegetarian and all that. Hunger is a big leveler so better learn early.

All you corporate 9-5 types, this movie is actually written for you. Remember, the Bengal Tiger with a human name, “Richard Parker”. Perhaps Ang Lee wanted an average Corporate Office type to see and imagine his Boss in the Richard Parker – The Royal Bengal Tiger. So let’s call him Boss Parker.

Boss knows all:  To begin with, Pi was mistaken that Richard Parker will miss the escape life-boat when the storm hit the ship, never. Boss always knows when to escape a sinking ship.

Don't Mess with a hungry tiger or an angry Boss . You know the fate of hyena, and you don’t want to get killed, right. 

Try Taming: Pi realized that if he has to co-exist with the tiger in the deep sea, he needs to tame him. That’s how you deal with your difficult Boss. Try taming him, difficult yet possible. Pi hunted meat for him, just to feed him. Similarly, you also need to fetch credits and offer your Boss, on the platter.

Boss Parker & the Humble Pi

Never quit just because you got a bad boss, Never. Remember Pi, you can’t get more hostile environment than him. Yet, he didn't quit. He created a raft close to the life-boat yet far enough to survive from a Hungry Tiger. But, he never quit.

Never underestimate your Boss: Remember that floating island they reached, it took long for Pi to discover that the island turns carnivorous in the evening. But, Boss Parker realized much early and was already in the life-boat much before sunset. So, Boss knows it all.

Be nice to your Boss. We all know that when Boss is getting weak. Yet,  in his difficult times, be nice to him. Pi always knew this and never abandoned Parker when he was getting weak. He even saved Parker’s life by helping him come back on the boat. Be humane.

Don't fall in love. This was the worst mistake Pi did, he fell in love with Richard Parker. When the life-boat reached the coast, poor Pi thought that Parker would say him goodbye, may be thank him for feeding him for so many days. Yet, typical of any ungrateful Boss, Parker escaped to jungle, without even looking back. Pi cried, but I don't want you to cry. So never ever fall in love with your Boss.

Have a back-up story. Life is full of those Japanese insurance agents who just don't want to hear the truth. All they want is a believable story which is easy to be told. So, like Pi, don't pester too much telling the truth. Tell the palatable truth, or a while lie.

I hope this helped in getting more value out of the money you spent on Life of Pi. 

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Cocktail - a teetotaler's perspective!

I had to watch this movie Cocktail, not that I am Bebo’s fan or something, just because that’s what a teetotaler can do – watch Cocktail while saying "waiter, one fresh lime soda please, sweet-salted both" Now having spent 1000 bucks, here are my 2 cents on the movie.

Characters : Veronica: Deepika , Meera: Diana & Gautam: Saif Uncle.

Story (read slowly): Veronica and Meera are friends. Gautam is Veronica’s friend. But Meera is not friends with Gautam. Gautam and Meera start liking each other. Now Veronica is not friends with Meera. Meera does not want to be friends with Gautam now. But Veronica is still friends with Gautam.  Gautam wants to again befriend Meera……. OK.OK. This is what an average dude and dudette on facebook call "It's Complicated, but Homi chose to call it - Cocktail.

I couldn’t sleep whole night after watching this movie.  It’s a very good script but in wrong hands and needed some editing. Wish the movies was made by our revered Sooraj Barjatya Sir, so that it reflected some Indian values. 

I am sure Sooraj sir would have changed a few things –

- How can a leading lady say “I’m a rich bitch”, “We’ll make an awesome threesome” , “You screwed me” and above all “I want to pee” . Man! when was the last time you ever heard a leading lady like Madhubala Ji say “I want to pee”. In movies, heroines don’t ever pee, forget saying that.

- Veronica & Gautam kissing, sleeping with each other, still ok. But, how the hell can they use same tooth brush. Ridiculous. Other bigger question is, if they had namak in their toothpaste!

- Now this song: Chadhi mujhe yaari teri aisi, jaise daaru desi. You mean country liquor? Indian Made Country Liquor!  We are the country of Prems & Sumans. Let’s not malign words like yaari comparing them to Daaru Desi. Sooraj ji would have edited this to - Chadhi mujhe yaari teri aisi, jaise chhaas safed si.

- The Ending - Man! Meera is still married to Kunal , so what if he didn’t accept her. Meera had to go back to Kunal.  Even if they had to make  Meera & Gautam a couple, how can they leave Veronica still single – Salman could have entered in the last frame to embrace Veronica.

- Last, name would have been "Mocktail – Zero percent alcohol ”

Let’s pray and wish that they don’t ever make Cocktail – 2, and if at all they make, Sooraj Ji is consulted on this. Cheers. 

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Are you human!

I am sure you all are familiar (and bugged) with this benign looking yet extremely irritating 21st century invention called Captcha.

I am also no fan, yet I think we are underestimating the power of this amazing tool. If applied in real life, it can solve many environmental and other burning issues of recent times.

Getting straight to the point, read on!

Go Green: Next time you go to withdraw money from ATM, and it asks “Would you like a printed receipt” , saying Yes must precede doing a Captcha . I’m sure you’ll rather say No. Or, when you hit that print icon to a 40 page useless PDF manual, you must overcome this challenge. 

 Facebooking: Kind of time we waste checking others’ wedding, travel pics, there should be a captcha to be entered after every 15 minutes you spend on facebook. Now before you mindlessly “Like” that pic of the cute son of your hot classmate, do this.

 Twitter Trolling: Celebs may like to activate this for replies to them. Now imagine you want to tell Sajid Khan “Your movies suck man!” and you have to do a captcha. That’s a different thing that in case of Sajid Khan people shall solve this also.

 Watching Porn: Instead of clicking this obligatory “Continue, I’m over 18” there should be a captcha every time you want to do that stuff late evening. OK.OK. Please carry on, I understand.

Email Mania: Next time you do an avoidable “reply all”, “email joke forward”, it must throw up a captcha.

Online Shopping: I know it supports economy and all that, but what’s the fun in ordering books from flipkart which you never read but just tweet as #NowReading . Now enter this every time you order a new book before reading the older one.

The captcha images featuring here are not mine, I googled them and have used for this blog. In case copyrighted, I’ll be happy to remove them.

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LookOut for a better (Microsoft) Outlook !

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Planning a Sick Leave - 2012

Planning a Sick Leave, yes you read it right , It’s all about planning . And as Alan Lakein says “Failing to plan is planning to fail”.

Remember, you’ll always be reminded that you are an excellent resource and kind of indispensable to the organization when:

• You offer to resign

• Or, ask your Boss for a leave

Let’s not discuss resignation as that would need a bigger debate and focus on “Vacation Management” – ( “Holiday planning” is passé)

So here’s a step-by-step guide to Vacation Management.

Step 1 : Jot down the list of Public Holidays for 2012 , key is to note the Day on which a holiday is falling .

Step 2 : Memorize this by heart , I know you can mark it on your iPhone4 or BB , but memorizing this is always preferred so that you need not refer to your iPhone Calendar.

Step 3 : In case you have kids , match it with their holiday calendar . Remember , you should never encourage your kids to take leave because :

• You are paying for their school education, so the more they are in school, better value for your money.

• Second, your parents also did the same to you , so you must avenge on your kids.

Step 4 : List all the holidays falling on Fridays or Mondays or even Thursday , these are the ones which you have to focus. Ex : Jan 26th is falling on a thursday, so you get 4 days if you "fall" sick on Jan 27th.

Step 5 : Now visit all those Travel websites, negotiate, and book in advance for 4 nights and 5 Days. Yes , I said Book without checking with your Boss even if the travel advisor won’t refund your money on cancellation

Step 6 : Now , after you delivered a task on time , and your Boss is in good mood and faffing with you , broach the topic that you intend to go for a short vacation in that month – Never , ever reveal the dates , just month. If he sounds “approving” , say thanks and apply formally but after a couple of days.

Step 7 : If he doesn’t sound to be listening , forget it , who cares.

Step 8 : When you reach the week of your vacation , reach office late on a day prior and say you went to see doctor and keep coughing in the office , Don’t overdo though.

Step 9 : Proceed to Lonavala as scheduled but do drop a text to your Boss “ Unwell , Just went through some blood tests, may be , shall try reaching office in the evening , if possible. Can you please ask Ramesh to attend the strategy call on my behalf ”

Step 10 : Enjoy , Repeat as necessary but don’t over do.

Before I forget , here is the list of Hoildays for 2012 -

http://www.officeholidays.com/countries/india/

Here is an interesting Sick Leave Planner which I got as an email forward ! (click to enlarge )

You're welcome. 

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Things to do before the world ends!

Like every year, this year too I was planning to start my obligatory annual drill called “Making New Year Resolutions”. Yeah, Yeah, same old ones - drink more water, join gym, read a book a month etc etc. If you think it’s easy to just copy paste the last year resolutions, you’re mistaken. It involves effort, like shuffle the order of resolutions and sometimes change the grammar and font also.

While I was working on this, the year 2012 struck me. This is not a normal year. India TV has been shouting at the top of their lungs – “ 2012 , Pralay ab door nahin” and must have transmitted a program on this almost every alternate day. I know, you don’t believe in India TV at all, and, till the time Bejan Daruwalla himself says that world will end in 2012, you’ll keep paying advance AMC for your water purifier.

But, what if the Mayan Calendar is true and the world does end in 2012? What if Bejan Daruwalla himself hasn’t started copying-pasting 2013 horoscope as yet? What if, this is the reason why these telecom companies offered dirt cheap life time valid plans?

I know, it’s difficult for some of you to believe that the world will really end in 2012, especially if you just paid 5000 extra for that “extended 5 years warranty for your Korean-Made-In-China LED TV.

Anyhow, I don’t see any harm in believing this. Also, it goes well with Steve Jobs’ philosophy - ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something”.

So this year, instead of making those run of the mill New Year Resolutions, I would rather make “Things to do before the world ends”.

1. Tell my mother-in-law that the other day I puked not because of food poisoning but after eating that Gajar ka halwa she made.

2. After attending that senior management office meeting, stand-up and tell all that “thanks for wasting time, even the free coffee was not worth my time”.

3. Reply official emails classifying their actual purpose into “CYA” , “just for marking presence, doesn’t make any sense” or “Intellectual vomit to impress boss”.

4. Take a big nail, scratch the Honda CRV of that “Undeserving-Boss Sucking-Colleague” and tell him – see my initials.

5. Last, and the most, Tell you all, Rajinikant looks ugly, even Uday Chopra is more handsome than him.

In case, we all still survive after 21 Dec 2012, let’s forget what I said and get back to our BAU ie You scratch my back and I may scratch yours.

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Don't feel like going to office?

As usual, today also Vencut got up at 6.30 am, rubbing his eyes he picked up daily bunch of news papers lying at the door and hit the sofa. Unlike every morning, when he use to start his day reading Economic Times while checking emails on his Blackberry, today he picked up The Bombay Times first. His blackberry was lying unattended, ignored and wondering why its master (rather slave) is ignoring her.

His wife noticed that Vencut is staring that Vidya Balan’s “the dirty picture” for last five minutes and the tea almost got cold.

“Venky, Are you Ok? Should I make you some more hot tea ? I never knew you liked Vidya that much”, asked his wife.

Vencut, still lost, said “Darling, I don’t feel like going to office, let’s go out for a long drive”.

“You don’t want to go to office OR You want to go for a long drive?” , asked wife. 

Vencut, already frustrated, shouted “what’s the difference?”  By now, his wife has already gone into the bathroom for a shower.

Vencut started thinking  about her question again “You don’t want to go to office OR you want to go for a long drive”. She was right, there was a huge difference, and actually – He just didn’t want to go to office.

I am sure Vencut is not the only one, it must have happened to you as well. There are days when you don’t want to go to office, for some, these days are almost five times a week. Never mind.

Well, when it comes to work, I believe there could be only two philosophies -

- Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

- Work is not supposed to give you happiness, if it was, why would you get paid.

Now if you claim you are in the first category, either you are a Pornstar or a liar. If you think, MS Dhoni also fits into the first category, just check with him once especially after that England tour. Emraan Hashmi - not again, kissing may be fun but acting is certainly not. 

If you are not in the first category, here are my two cents.

Just think of five things which gives you happiness, Now, see if any of these activities pay you as well. Think harder. OK, stop thinking - you won't find one. 


Well, in short – Lift your damn ass and go to office, no one will pay you to be happy. 

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Why people resign?

Usually I put a disclaimer at the end, but this being a sensitive issue, let me begin with it.

This is purely a work of friction, any resemblance to you, your boss, colleague or workplace is purely co-incidental. Also, it has got nothing to do with Hosni Mobarak’s resignation as you’ll find even worse dictators at your work place.

Let’s begin with - Why do you work ?

I know, it’s all about serving the society, giving back the nation what you got from it, to contribute to the government exchequer through taxes, to achieve that highest thing called “self actualisation” in Maslow’s need hierarchy.

Enough, cut the crap, It’s all about money, honey. How else you'll buy that $700 iPhone4 to make a phone call, with known network issues.

Now that we have narrowed down to the reason why you work, let’s see why people resign from one organisation to join another organisation.

I interviewed 321 Vice Presidents (names withheld to avoid making them popular)  in the First Class compartment of Mumbai Local, Virar to Churchgate , result was : “People leave managers not companies” .

I know some of you agree to it , but this is like saying “I read playboy for its articles”. 

So you tell me that your Boss sucks, steals credit for your job, does favouritism, doesn’t know as much as you do, get paid for just sucking-up, But, It’s like saying most politicians are corrupt or Uday Chopra is a bad actor.

When did you last meet a person who said “I love my Boss” or if at all you find a place where people love their Bosses, why the hell they’ll pay you to work there.

I know your boss may be a jerk, but how can you resign and join other unknown jerk - Don’t you know that “Known Devil is better than unknown God”

So, if you choose to resign, don’t give that crap that it’s because of your difficult Boss - It’s all because you find some other “free coffee place with double ff aka office", which is paying you more .

In the end, It’s all about money, honey.

By vikaspgoel | View this Toon at ToonDoo | Create your own Toon

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Science of decision making - Movie Review Edition

Vencut Sobbo, BTech, MBA, Senior Vice President–Strategy, was busy making a presentation on “Strategic Initiatives for Sustainable Growth by Leveraging Synergies”, when he got a call from his wife that she would like to go for a movie.

Hard pressed for time, he called up his Secy and asked about hindi movies currently playing.  Cecillia replied, “Dil to Baccha hai Ji, Yamla Pagla Deewana, Dhobhi Ghat, No One Killed Jessica & Tees Maar Khan ”.

His AVP, Suniel GoSwami, MBA from IIIICM, overheard this and decided to do a quick research on the reviews and ratings,  and knowing that Mrs. Sobbo was an Aamir Khan fan , he "zeroed in" on Dhobhi Ghat.

Suniel, like most of you , relied on the medieval “Star Rating” system to choose which movie to watch but decided to “Walk an extra mile” to impress his boss .

He pulled out 21 reviews of Dhobhi Ghat , meticulously put them in a PowerPoint.

These were the results :

« One Star – (1) Komal Nahta

«« Two Star – (3) Minty Tezpal ( Mumbai Mirror) , Gaurav Malani ( Economic Times) & Blessy Chettiar ( DNA)

««^1/2 Two and a Half star – (4) Khalid Mohammed & Kaveree Bamzai( India Today) etc

««« Three Star – (5) Anupama Chopra ( NDTV) , Rajeev Masand ( IBN) , Sonil Dedhia ( Rediff) etc

«««^1/2 Three and Half Star- ( 5) Nikhat Kazmi ( Times) , Sonia Chopra ( Sify) , Sarita Tawar ( Mid-Day) etc

«««« Four Star – (3) Taran Adarsh , Santa Banta and Now Running.

Little confused but knowing his Boss’s fetish for numbers and stats , he didn’t settle for this raw data and “drilled down” further . So all 21 results were “populated” in “Microsoft Access” and he “Run a query” to find a little more scientific and statistically correct rating , results were :

Average	2.928571
Mode	3
Median	3
Geometric Mean	2.805119
Harmonic Mean	2.643093

As any statistical result would have , he also added a disclaimer : "It's assumed that all 21 reviewers are equally talented ( hence no need of weighted mean), and none of them has been influenced by any kith, kin cast or crew of any of these movies. Also, it's assumed that they have rated these movies after watching at least 10 minutes each of both halves"

Satisfied that he had done enough, he called his boss to tell the results. Vencut , entered the cabin humming “Sheila ki Jawani”, looked at the PowerPoint titled “Informed Decision Making” .  Inspite of being a “Man of numbers”, he was not looking visibly impressed with this 6 slide power point presentation with graphs and pie charts. He called Cecilia to check who’s the heroine in Dhobhi Ghat , Cecilia said “Some new unglamorous chic, I don’t know the name, sir”.

Vencut immediately called his wife “Honey , tried tickets of Dhobhi Ghat , but couldn’t get , so got you Tees Maar Khan – It’s an Akshay Starrer, and a comedy which you’ll like”. 

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LinkedIn – The Blunder years !

As of 1 January 2011, LinkedIn had more than 90 million registered users, spanning more than 200 countries. You can be proud that You , Your neighbor , and the society watchman, all are one in 90 million.

 

Let’s get started .

 

Profile

It’s first and the easiest step , all you need to write is your education( if any) , Past and Current ( no no not girl friends ) Employments , and it’s ready . It also allows you to give a brief summary , that’s where many of us try to be creative.

 

Sample Summary of Vencut Sobbo

“I am a vibrant , creative and hardworking young professional with a sharp focus on quality tasks. Other than BAU am also good at multi tasking and have accomplished a robust culture in current organisation. My goal in life is to scale new heights and take my organisation to even higher height. If given a chance , I would prove an ASSet to your esteemed organisation , together we can achieve even newer heights – you can see that I am not scared of heights"

 

This will ensure that your summary appears in every possible search , by any damn consultant , MBA or a wanna be MBA cum Consultant.

 

Sending Invites

First and foremost , use LinkedIn special feature to send auto invites to all your gmail, rediffmail and yahoo mail contacts , this will ensure that your invite reaches atleast 749 people. Now it’s time for sending some personalised invites.

 

Sample personalised invites :

First , to that pretty HR lady who hired you.

“Dear SunderLuxmi , I would like to invite you to my LinkedIn because I like the way you helped me in filling all the 19 Joining Forms including my hobbies , I still remember the way you smiled listening that Orkutting is my hobby”

 

Second , to the Head Marketing , whom you met in the LOO.

“Dear Sunderassan Sir, I am working with despatch department , as a junior vice executive – outgoing emails , please accept my invite. In case you don’t remember , we met at the place where all bodily fluids meet , and I liked your tattoo”

 

Making Recommendations

Now , it’s time to make some recommendations. By now , you would have received at least 19 messages asking for your recommendations.

 

The typical message would look something like - "I'm sending this to ask you for a brief recommendation of my work that I can include in my LinkedIn profile. If you have any questions, let me know. Thanks in advance for helping me out"

 

Now seeing this , don’t waste your time in remembering who’s this guy. All you need is to dust off your old “wren n martin “ , see what is an adjective – pick any one at random and make a sentence and Bingo .

 

Sample Recommendation for an Ex

“Nymphia and I go a long way , I still remember her first day in our office , also when we met at the “Annual Forward Looking Strategy and Looking Back Meeting”. She is very well dressed and has an eye for detail , she quickly spotted the mole and some hairs on my left ear lobe”

 

That’s it for this time , keep licking linking.

 

Disclaimer: Names have been changed on requests, If still it’s your name you better change it. 

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If Bollywood was on LinkedIn ?

First thing, it would no more be called LinkedIn , it would be LinkedUp – and you know why !

Now let’s explore some popular features of LinkedIn.

Profile :

That’s the first step for any LinkedIn user, and knowing Bollywood they would hire script writers for it. Chetan Bhagat would be the busiest person on earth and the first one to approach him would be one film wonder Sonakshi Sinha and no film no wonder Shazahn Padamsee.

Shazahn Padamsee : Current – Doing nothing , Past – Did nothing except a blink and you miss kinda role in Rocket Singh.

Shazahn Padamsee through Chetan Bhagat’s pen.

"Shazahn Padamsee, a theatre artist , a successful model turned actress is the daughter of renowned ad guru / theatre personality Alyque Padamsee and prominent pop singer Sharon Prabhakar.  She made her feature film debut in 2009 in the Hindi film Rocket Singh: Salesman of the Year opposite Ranbir Kapoor, which opened to critically acclaimed reviews ( by both Alyque and Sharon), and now she is working with critically acclaimed , national award winner , eminent director – Madhur Bhandarkar."

Add Connections :

Now as you know , typical LinkedIn user connects with people he/ she has worked with or studied with. But, Bollywood and studies hardly go together except Tusshar Kapoor who has graduated with a BBA from the Ross School of Business ( Now you know why Bollywood doesn’t pursue education).

So LinkedIn would come up with a new tab , “People you have partied with”, and Kishen Mulchandani would be the most connected man. Bombay Times and HT Cafe would sponsor this section , and would provide data and photographic proofs. So, the people you partied yesterday night , would automatically appear today in “People you may know”.

By the way, unlike tattoos , connections are not permanenet . So Deepika can always block Ranbir and reconnect with Sid.

Who’s viewed your profile:

This feature tells that “Your profile has been viewed by 14 people in last 15 days” and it further tells that who all viewed your profile. Now this would be most used feature , as it would tell that Deepika and Sonam have viewed each other’s profile 19 times and Shakti Kapoor has viewed both of their profiles 190 times. Surprisingly , Katrina has never viewed Salman’s profile.

Recommendations:

Well , this has got nothing to do with casting couch , and I repeat there’s no casting couch in this industry. So Aditya Panchssholi would self-lessly recommend Kangna but Kangna would never display that recommendation on her profile. Karan Johar would recommend every damn person except Ram Gopal Verma . Uday Chopra and Harman Baweja would love to recommend people , but LinkedIn won’t allow them to recommend.

Morani Brothers and Wizcraft would start “Paid Recommendations” where for a measly sum of INR 2 crores , you can get recommendations from Shahrukh Khan , Salman Khan or Akshay Kumar.

Aamir Khan won’t recommend any one except Kiran Rao or Imrran Khan .

Some day , I’ll also talk about premium features of LinkedIn. 

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