Friday, December 30, 2011

Things to do before the world ends!

Like every year, this year too I was planning to start my obligatory annual drill called “Making New Year Resolutions”. Yeah, Yeah, same old ones - drink more water, join gym, read a book a month etc etc. If you think it’s easy to just copy paste the last year resolutions, you’re mistaken. It involves effort, like shuffle the order of resolutions and sometimes change the grammar and font also.

While I was working on this, the year 2012 struck me. This is not a normal year. India TV has been shouting at the top of their lungs – “ 2012 , Pralay ab door nahin” and must have transmitted a program on this almost every alternate day. I know, you don’t believe in India TV at all, and, till the time Bejan Daruwalla himself says that world will end in 2012, you’ll keep paying advance AMC for your water purifier.

But, what if the Mayan Calendar is true and the world does end in 2012? What if Bejan Daruwalla himself hasn’t started copying-pasting 2013 horoscope as yet? What if, this is the reason why these telecom companies offered dirt cheap life time valid plans?

I know, it’s difficult for some of you to believe that the world will really end in 2012, especially if you just paid 5000 extra for that “extended 5 years warranty for your Korean-Made-In-China LED TV.

Anyhow, I don’t see any harm in believing this. Also, it goes well with Steve Jobs’ philosophy - ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something”.

So this year, instead of making those run of the mill New Year Resolutions, I would rather make “Things to do before the world ends”.

1. Tell my mother-in-law that the other day I puked not because of food poisoning but after eating that Gajar ka halwa she made.

2. After attending that senior management office meeting, stand-up and tell all that “thanks for wasting time, even the free coffee was not worth my time”.

3. Reply official emails classifying their actual purpose into “CYA” , “just for marking presence, doesn’t make any sense” or “Intellectual vomit to impress boss”.

4. Take a big nail, scratch the Honda CRV of that “Undeserving-Boss Sucking-Colleague” and tell him – see my initials.

5. Last, and the most, Tell you all, Rajinikant looks ugly, even Uday Chopra is more handsome than him.

In case, we all still survive after 21 Dec 2012, let’s forget what I said and get back to our BAU ie You scratch my back and I may scratch yours.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

That guy and an office party!

If you work with any organization which has more than 2 people, and where they give you free coffee, in all likelihood you would have attended An Office Party.  For many middle class employees (read Asst Vice President and below) , office parties are nothing but a wild card entry to the free booze and food.

Your office may give you any reason for these parties, but the untold ones are-
  • Completion of a project without any major (known) goof-up.
  • HR telling managers that informal gatherings help increase team morale.
  • Finance realizing that there’s still some budget left and year is about to end.
  • Achievement of sales targets without counting sale-returns.
  • Getting an award from a News Channel or a Print Media where you’re the biggest advertiser.
  • Manager’s wife and kids are out of town and cook is not coming.
Anyhow, why bother with the real reason, when one gets a chance to see that their not-so-middle-class bosses also love free booze as much as the subordinates.

Office Parties are usually fun for all except for the rare-and-soon-to-be-extinct lot of people called teetotalers. These are the biggest misfit in any team, and if they happen to be a vegetarian also, God bless! In any office party, these species are distinctly visible & audible–“One fresh lime soda, sweet-salted please”.  Not only this, every snack that waiter brings, first thing they check- “Boss, Veg na?”

As if this was not enough, they also find it difficult to enjoy manager’s jokes. So what if it’s lame, no harm in giggling though.  When the happy-go-lucky are contemplating should it be another tequila, scotch or beer, these guys are found with their plates stuffed with that butter paneer, naan and daal makhani. 

Next time if there’s an office party, it’s better to give these Vegetarian Teetotalers free meal vouchers of “Sukh Sagar Veg  Bhojanalaya”. 

Sunday, December 04, 2011

What Andy Warhol didn't tell you!