Calvin Klein's new range :Verified by Twitter

Verified badge by Twitter is the most sought after thing on Twitter (only winning a Nobel prize would come close).

I also heard that Twitter is planning to start a designer label in collaboration with Clavin Klein to let you flaunt your “verified” status to your offline social gatherings ( read office parties , cousin’s wedding and funerals ). Yes , this would include CK’s very popular range of innerwear also.

But verification is not easy !

Recently , I applied for the “Verified by Twitter” and this is what I went through .

Bobby from Twitter ( B) : Sir , we received your application , would you mind if we run you through a small identification process and also verify your credit card details.

Me : Why credit card ? Isn’t this verification free?

Bobby : Sir , seems you don’t have an Apple iTune account , Valid credit card is a pre-requisite and we follow the same process. By the way , I am a Steve Jobs fan.

Me : OfCourse , I have an iTune account , Go Ahead ( rubbing eyes receiving call at 3 Am ).

Bobby : Please press 1 and after the Beep press # , and keep following the instructions over voice mail . Hope your hands are clean as there were some cases of swine flu in India.

Me : O Yeah , rubbing my eyes , I start the drill .

(After spending 37 minutes, and when my blackberry screen displayed 123*10101976*3478#2306*1267#2098#1237*4466324798620001*148# , I heard a voice from the other side)

Bobby : Sir , thanks for the verification , It was little long but worth it.

Me : Screaming , “LITTLE LONG” , Its almost 1 hour and have developed a blackberry thumb because of that. You should have checked time , Its 3am in India.

Bobby : Sir , I know what time is in India , I am calling from a call centre in Kormangala , Bangalore . If you wish , I’ll disconnect and call you tomorrow , any how It’s you who applied , Twitter didn’t invite you.

Me : Ok , but the wait was really long.

Bobby : Sir , that was 37 minutes and 23 seconds not even 10% of the time you spend daily on Twitter.By the way , if you had iPhone4 , you wouldn’t be talking about this blackberry thumb.

Me : I don’t have an iPhone4 , heard that’s got “network” problem ?

Bobby : Sir , that was all hype , dropping a call or two shouldn’t matter. Everyone has forgotten the time when there was no cell phones . And you should be grateful that Steve has given free bumper case to all . Any ways , lets not digress and complete the verification.

Me : Screaming ! YOU DIGRESSED , What is this complete the verification? Isn’t it complete as yet.

Bobby : Sir , we have received your credentials and those are being googled to check your popularity. I have my doubts seeing your number of followers , any how ....

Me : Oh great , You don’t use Twitter search , I heard that’s very good?

Bobby : Sir , Twitter is over capacity . You haven’t heard of Fail Whale?

Me : OfCourse , I have experienced it many times. But why aren’t you working on it ? Don’t you understand how difficult it is when Twitter is over capacity?

Bobby :Sir , I see you are active on Twitter for last 6 months also . Don’t you have friends in real life to speak with ? Why keep blaming Twitter all the time . Any Way , Lets not digress as Its already 5 am and my shift is coming to an end.

Me : Ok , Even I have to go for my morning walk and then office. Why don’t you hurry up.

Bobby : Yes , seems you are on LinkedIn & Facebook also . How come you are all over the social networking circle , Don’t you have a full time day job ?

Me : Haven’t you heard that “Facebook is for friends who are now strangers , and Twitter is for strangers you want to befriend , and LinkedIn helps you to professionally connect ”. And yes , I have a full time job .. ....

Twitter : ( Voice Over Interrupts and says) “Whoops , Something went wrong , please try again........

And I , slam the phone and head for my morning walk with my BlackBerry.

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If Steve was CEO of Toyota

“You know.. we're not perfect”. We want to make our users happy. If you dont know that about apple Toyota , you don't know us."

"The iPhone 4 Prius is perhaps our best product".

"We started getting reports of people having issues with the antenna.brakes. It doesnt seem like a good thing if you can touch your phone press your pedal in a certain way and it loses signal brakes. It turns out, it's not unique to the iPhone 4. Prius"

"It's a challenge for the whole industry. Phones Cars aren't perfect."

"We haven't figured out a way around the laws of physics. Yet.

"We didn't think it'd be a big problem."

Its been blown out of proportion. I know it's fun to have a story, but it's less fun when you're on the other side.

So here's what we're going to do: "Why don't you just give everyone a case cover ?

"Okay, great. Every iPhone 4 Prius owners gets a free case accident insurance cover"

"If you're still not happy? Return it. Full refund. Bring back an undamaged iPhone 4 Prius within 30 days, and get a full refund"

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UnFollow Saturday

Well if you can have Follow Friday , why can’t I have UnFollow Saturday . Time is precious , so is my TimeLine . I understand that its rude to “UnFollow” any one esp , being an Indian where they say “Atithi Devo Bhava ~ Guest is God” .

Still , other than time , its also about space and with a 2” by 2” blackberry screen , I can’t afford to have too many Creets ( Crap Tweets) on my TimeLine. Just imagine , I am in a very important office meeting , get a comfort break for couple of minutes , decide to use it for having a look at my Twitter Timeline and all I get is “ tweets with links without even mentioning what they contain”. I scroll down to see , and the other ones are quotes . It affects my productivity as well for the balance part of my meeting.

So on weekends I do this drill called “UnFollow Saturday” , here are my standards what makes some qualify for this prestigious drill .

RT Jockeys : All they do is RT , RT this , that ever thing else . If you don’t have anything original to say , you don’t have a place in my timeline .Just follow people and enjoy .

Quote Maniacs: By now I remember all what Winston Churchill , Mahatma Gandhi , Lucy , Nancy and Tina have said , remember if I Google I’ll get all the damn quotes , subject wise , done neatly . Why should I follow you for someone else’s quotes.

Serial Twiller: I repeat , my time n the space on my blackberry screen is precious , so I don’t want to see you , you n only you when I scroll down . Have a break, try Kit Kat.

Chat on Twitter: I know you both get along very well , you want to know what did She have for Dinner , Whether the Red dress you bought together is fitting well or not – But do that on G Talk , Yahoo , BB Messenger etc . Why the hell I and other 117 people should know your conversation.

Threesome: I have to unfollow 2 of you if you just keep on ReTweeing each other , don’t you think it’s better to follow 1 of you and get goodness of 3.

If after reading this , you are inspired to UnFollow me or any one else , just let me know the reason so that I can add in the blog. Thanks

Disclaimer: List is not exhaustive and i may unfollow you for reasons other than this also.

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How to get ReTweeted

Twitter is not about Tweeting , It’s about ReTweeting rather getting ReTweeted . I know many of you keep refreshing your time lines in hope that some one RTs you , and whenever you think you have written something interesting – the person who RTs is God at that point of time.

Now lets see , how to get RTed .

Remember , Ingredients of any RT are – A tweet , some space and a tweep to RT.

KISS - I know you always find it difficult to squeeze your wisdom in 140 characters , but if you want to get RTed , you need to give space to others . Remember , no one would bother to shorten your tweet to RT , so KISS – Keep it Short ,Stupid.

Content – I know many of your tweets are comical , wittier , informative than any other damn guy on the Twitter , but that’s not enough . If you think otherwise, don’t read further and go tweet.

Now that’s where your contribution to the RT ends and creativity begins.

Mentions – Mention people generously, Tweeps are gullible and get trapped easily , also they think that you considered them important enough for mention.

Timing – Be it Sex , Comedy , Love or Worldcup – Timing does matter. So stalk some people with 1000+ followers , and Tweet when that fellow is online , then tweet and mention his / her name at the end. When online , instead of scrolling down and seeing old tweets , people concentrate more on the latest tweets so likelihood of RT is more.

Interests – Find people with similar interest , and mention their name at the end . Person would RT because He / She thinks that you have considered him expert in that area .

Quid Pro Quo ( 69) – When ever you are free , Keep RTing - even if the content is crap , remember you are RTing that fellow in anticipation , so more you RT , more you get RTed. Remember , you are not the only one who wants to get RTed , every one else does.

Never say , Please RT – Why to state the obvious.

Say Thanks – I think your Mom would have told you this , it works.

Great , now that you have finished reading , you know what to do :)

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AntiSocial Networking – LinkedIn Special

LinkedIn has more than 70 million registered users, spanning more than 200 countries , and that’s more than enough reason to be proud of – One in 70 million , that’s YOU and this also gives you a very prestigious social status – Man is a social animal.

Lets see how collectively we can abuse this whole thing and get antisocial – am sure you would have done this at some point or other but lets do a recap for benefit of the antisocial network at large.

Never Say No

I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.

I know you are trying to remember the title of the book which was something like “Never say No , When you want to say Yes” . So the moment you see “I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.” – immediately say YES. You may not recollect now who’s the person then do you know who stays on 5^th floor , flat number 501 of your society . So just click confirm – anyhow always remember “Atithi Devo Bhava”

Endorse all n sundry

“Can you endorse me” –

Dear Vikas,

I'm sending this to ask you for a brief recommendation of my work that I can include in my LinkedIn profile. If you have any questions, let me know. Thanks in advance for helping me out.

What What ! you don’t know him enough , just worked with him for 2 days or he was just a passing acquaintance in your last job . Come on , don’t be a snob – all that guy is requesting you is a “recommendation” . So just go ahead and do it . What , Come again – you don’t know what to write . Now that’s the real challenge if you are not good at words , okay let me give you a hint . Dust off your old “wren n martin “ , see what is an adjective – pick any one at random and make a sentence and Bingo .

Never be negative in making any recommendations , even if you hated that fellow , control your emotions and say

"I am happy to say that this candidate is a FORMER colleague of mine." Or

"I can assure you that NO person would be better for the job."

People you may know

Trust me , LinkedIn goes all the way out to find out this list , its handpicked for you , so never insult that and invite every body featuring in this list .Its displayed at the Right- Top corner of the your profile page . Initially you ‘ll think that “what if” if other person doesn’t accept your request . Remember , Atithi Devo Bhava and by now he / she also has read “Never say no” , so just invite . The more you do , more confident you’ll feel.

Happy Abusing , Man is a social ANIMAL.

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