Network, so that you need notwork.

Are you that hardworking type? The one who believes that success is 99.9% perspiration and Work is Worship? Then please leave this page immediately and go back to work. Yes, it’s because of you that your Boss gets promoted. So, go ahead and please work even more so that HE can go home early for HIS golf practice while you do the number crunching.

Only worthwhile thing ever said about hard work is ~ If hard work were really a virtue, then mules would be saints. ~ James Dee Richardson

So all you need to know is how to network, so that you need notwork.

Smoking: I know, smoking is injurious to health and that research report says that it may shorten your life by 7 years. But, won’t it be better if you die as VP- Strategy, Synergy & Looking Forward than live long as an Assistant Manager – Sales. These smoking breaks would help you interact with your Boss’s Boss and give you a chance to appreciate his new Rolex watch.

Drinking: When was the last time you heard that CEO’s favorite drink is Lassi. You need to love your Vodka and Tequilas. How else would you be able to laugh at the COO’s silly jokes during that office Project Raw.Deal success party? 

Flirting: Come on, what’s the harm even if you are married. Your wife would love you even more when you give her a solitaire on her birthday rather than that discounted Giordano watch. Be it that “not so young” head of marketing or your Boss’s secy, everyone likes to hear – Hey, looking so pretty, what did you do to your hair today”. Try, and see the results, at least this will help you in getting some dope about the Boss’s mood.

Faffing: You really think you’ll gain that promotion by being glued to your desk and bending 45 degrees towards your computer screen – that’ll only give you a backache.  Get up and roam around. Spend some time at that coffee machine you hate, at the common office printer, loo and the cafeteria. Those are the places where you get to know who’s not getting along with his boss and who got snubbed in that Vision 2012 meeting. FYI, most of the promotions are discussed in the corridor.

Spamming: Yes, no one minds those occasional jokes over phone and some interesting email forwards. These also help your bosses and seniors to kill time in those long meetings. And, you never know when that email forward reaches your CEO and gives you that 20 seconds of glory in his inbox.

If at any point of time you think that these tips are not working, try them in combinations. Say, Drinking & Flirting together - at an office party.

PS: Smoking is injurious to health, many die at Asst. Manager Level also. Yes, Smoking Kills.

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Else I'll go on fast

Seeing the recent trend that "threat to fast" or "going on fast" really works, my friend VenCut BallSubbu wrote to his CEO .

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June 1, 2011

Dear Chief Executive Officer

It’s been a long time since I am working with our (y)our organization in spite of that awful office coffee which I have to drink 3-4 times a day. I spend almost 12 hours a day here, daily, work late evenings - all alone. In spite of working so hard, I feel that I haven’t got my due.

For the last 5 years I am working as Senior Manager and haven’t got promoted while many of my colleagues are AVP. My salary also is lesser than many of my batch mates who are working even in smaller companies. The company car I am provided with is Hyundai i10 while my batch mates are flaunting their Honda Citys. If I don’t hear from you (in writing) I’ll Fast unto Death in the Big Video Conference Room.

Regards

VenCut BallSubbu

Senior Manager , Quality Control.

Quick came the reply

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June 3, 2011

Dear Vencut

Thanks for writing in, after getting your email, I came to know that we have a department called Quality Control - you work there, right?

I really appreciate the fact that you are working with us for 9 years while many of our Top Performers have left us in less than 2 years to work for better companies. I asked for your records from HR but am told that our employee records got destroyed in Mumbai Floods in 2005, any how who needs records of those yesteryears.

I also emailed your Boss Joe to find out about your performance but got an out of office reply “I am busy attending a quality paradigm shift offsite in Mauritius so won’t be able to answer your mail, please contact Vencut in my absence”. As I couldn’t find about your performance, either from HR or from your Boss, I searched facebook and twitter to find more about you. Thank God, both these companies are not Mumbai based else they also wouldn’t have any records. 

To my surprise, I found that you bought iPad2 from the grey market after paying a hefty premium and still cribbing about your salary. I also noticed that you are connected with my secy on facebook and “liking” her comments and pics. Last week when you took a “sick” leave from office, you went to Water Kingdom with your friends – What kind of sickness is this which gets cured there.

I checked your Bio on twitter, where you say that “you are a VP with an awesome IT company”.- Gross lie it is. After viewing some of your batch mates’ facebook pages, I came to know that most of your projects during MBA were done by your batchmates while you were busy dating one of your seniors.

Still I would like to give your case a fair hearing and asking Head HR to form a committee to evaluate your records (that reminds me , please submit your marksheets and other credentials, in duplicate, as we don’t have any records ).


Regarding long working hours, I always wondered why our office AC bills were so high – I am asking Head-Facilities to see if some of those can be deducted from your salary. I absolutely agree with you that the office coffee sucks,even I bring my coffee from home, but drinking 3 cups of office coffee a day-daily for 9 years-really shows your character.

Also, as per the company policy, access to the Big Video Conference room is not allowed to officials below AVP grade so please look for some other place to go on fast.


Cheers

Your CEO

PS: please ‘unfriend’ my Secy immediately.

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Just Like It.

Facebook – Launched in 2004, read by more than 500 million people in the world, is not even a book. Now compare it with the most published and sold book (scriptures excluded), “A Tale of two cities” by Charles Dickens , first published in 1859, managed to reach only 200 million copies.

Don’t worry, we’ll not discuss the real books here because I know what you want to read about.

My exposure to facebook is limited to my wife’s account, occasionally ( ok, little more than occasionally ), as I don’t have a facebook account . Yes, I still feel it’s fashionable to say “ I am not on facebook”.

I know it’s a wonderful tool, still I feel it’s one feature which brought all those 499 million people to facebook.

Thumb rule- Just Like It.

That’s the best button ever invented in the history of mankind . If you have ever been to school ( sorry, that was rude) , you know only 4-5 students participated in class, rest were waiting for Mark to invent "Like" so that they can also participate. Or, if you are that B-School type (No offence please) and attend meetings, you would know that only 1-2 participate in the meetings, rest largely restrict themselves to coffee n cookies while fiddling on their Blackberry.

"Like" also comes to your rescue when you are in a very important strategy seminar, and see that the girl you had a crush on , just posted a pic of her hubby and 2 year old kid – Just Like it. (Socially Responsible Tip – Never  Like your Boss’s status during that office meeting, it’s Likely that he’s also on facebook on his Blackberry and would come to know what you are upto ).

"Like" will also give the AVP in you, a mild satisfying feeling when the ex Batchmate of yours posts his status saying that “ Promoted to Senior Manager”. For ladies, it’s the best thing to do when they see a better looking friend has turned into a fat aunty looking type.

Beauty of the Like button is that you can Like any thing , I mean any thing –  I’m bored , Wonderful Weather, Going to watch Kites with family, Cleared Exam, Walking dog n husband. OMG, I'm pregnant.

One posted “Getting Married” , and there were 121 Likes, of course from all married ones inviting one and all to the misery. Liking “Breakup” is also fashionable these days. 

Now some over enthusiastic facebookers, even Like these status - "Slipped off stairs, sprain in the ankle . Had an argument with boss, got fired. Traffic Sucks. WTF, I’m pregnant. 

So the Thumb Rule is "Just Like It"

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Quality Time at Office Office

'Quality time' (QT) is an informal reference to time spent with loved ones (e.g., close family, friends) which is in some way important, special, productive or profitable. It is time that is set aside for paying full and undivided attention to the person/matter at hand. - Wikepedia

So if you noticed , there are two key things about quality time here :

• Spent with Loved ones

• Full and Undivided attention

The good part is that your Office / Boss can’t demand of your quality time unless you are in love with your Office, Boss or Both. I know free coffee, free internet, airconditioning, occasional Best Employee Certificate etc may cause love with your office, but your Hari Sadu will help in getting over it. Still if you are in love with your office, don’t worry, it will be cured – at least once a year - during your appraisals.

Some have a problem of falling in love with their Boss, this is little tricky, then you’ll have to remember the famous dialogue in Maine Pyaar Kiya , Corporate Edition – “Ek boss aur ek sub-ordinate kabhi dost nahin ho sakte”. In case this also doesn’t help, marry your boss – there won’t be any love left.

Other important part of this word quality time is undivided attention. Now to me , this undivided attention is the biggest myth, don’t believe, ask Rishi Vishwamitra. The moment you start concentrating on one task in office, nearing close to 60% of that undivided concentration – you’ll see a mail dropping in your In-Box from your boss saying - need that strategy paper by end of day today. Now the important thing which you were doing has gone to back burner , and you start thinking about this.

You head towards your boss’s cubicle, and see him animatedly talking over phone . “ ya… sure…I’ll get it…No No …won’t forget…7pm , color print…ya …ok…Bye” . So you think, it must be the Super Boss asking the strategy paper by 7 pm . No , it was his wife , asking for the color printouts of “7 wonders of the world” for his daughter’s school project.

You come back to your desk, and there’s one more email from your boss, now it’s a forward which describes – Malinga before and after .

Malinga - After the worldcup

Now you start thinking, to who all you should forward this, and the life goes on.

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