Maid Management Made Easy!

Missus: Hey listen, why are you not going to office today?
Me: Darling, Today is Maha Shivratri.

Missus: So what, Is it a National Holiday today?

Me:  How can you forget Maha Shivratri.  According to a legend, Parvati performed tapasya on this day to ward off any evil that might befall her husband. Since then, Maha Shivratri is believed to be an auspicious occasion for women to pray for the well-being of their husbands and sons.. Didn’t you read Immortals of Meluha? Even Karan Johar is making..*cuts abruptly*

Missus:  *annoyingly* Was this holiday planned or declared recently? You guys got a holiday for BMC elections also.

Me: Isn’t that good. Around 45% of us voted also. Let’s have one more cup of tea and pass the Bombay Times please!

Missus: Listen, forget tea and let me figure out if Sakku Bai is coming or no.

Well, I must say that Maids (or Domestic Help as Chetan calls them ) are the real VVIPs in any Indian household. Their recruitment may not be that big a issue, but retention certainly is. No management consultant, not even big-four are daring enter this area because it never works. This sector is grappling with high attrition which no one claims to have managed, with the only possible exception of Chetan Bhagat.

For those who are not Chetans, here are my 2 cents on how to manage them better. Always remember, your home is her workplace and as an employer you ought to make her workplace better.

·    Free Tea / Coffee : Don’t forget that you too get free coffee at office, and She has all the right for this at her workplace.

·   Unplanned Leaves : Other than the normal holidays, even She has the right to plan long weekends. If she calls to say “Didi, Bacchha beemar hai, aaj main nahin ayegi” , Don’t get upset, just remember the text you sent to your Boss for a leave.

·    Remuneration: If it’s on your mind, it’s on Her mind as well. You need to be extra cautious on this because the neighborhood Mrs. Iyer is ever ready to pay her more and poach her. Please note that problems in Greece and the weak Euro shouldn’t impact her increments and bonus. Also, don't try to link Her performance with Remuneration, it's all about the perceived market value. 

·    Career: WTF is that? I know what your Boss told you when you said that you got an offer from a competing organization, you may have been tricked by "think about your long term career Viveik, you're one of our star performers". But, don’t give this gyan to Her. There’s nothing called career, it’s all about money, honey. And, unlike you, She can't be fooled with just a change in title from Assistant Manager to Associate Manager.

·    Entertainment: Now when you’ve got all those Gyms/ Pools/ Common Areas at your office, How can you stop her from watching Balika Vadhu and Utaran. Shiney’s movies are strict No No though. If Chetan is to be believed, he even sponsored Ra.One tickets for his maids.

·    Be Nice: Irrespective of how your Boss treats you, never ever try to be “Hari Sadu” with her . She may not have access to naukri.com but in Her market there’s no dearth of job. Also, she’s witness to many of your household secrets. She knows that you slept on the sofa last night.  So, just be nice.

As Karan Johar may have said, those who keep their maids happy, live happier.  This is how Chetan manages his Domestic Helps, respect! Chetan's Way

PS: Image downloaded from internet, couldn't find the copyright, if copyrighted, pls tell and i'll remove.

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Just because Mumbai didn't vote!

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LookOut for a better (Microsoft) Outlook !

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Planning a Sick Leave - 2012

Planning a Sick Leave, yes you read it right , It’s all about planning . And as Alan Lakein says “Failing to plan is planning to fail”.

Remember, you’ll always be reminded that you are an excellent resource and kind of indispensable to the organization when:

• You offer to resign

• Or, ask your Boss for a leave

Let’s not discuss resignation as that would need a bigger debate and focus on “Vacation Management” – ( “Holiday planning” is passé)

So here’s a step-by-step guide to Vacation Management.

Step 1 : Jot down the list of Public Holidays for 2012 , key is to note the Day on which a holiday is falling .

Step 2 : Memorize this by heart , I know you can mark it on your iPhone4 or BB , but memorizing this is always preferred so that you need not refer to your iPhone Calendar.

Step 3 : In case you have kids , match it with their holiday calendar . Remember , you should never encourage your kids to take leave because :

• You are paying for their school education, so the more they are in school, better value for your money.

• Second, your parents also did the same to you , so you must avenge on your kids.

Step 4 : List all the holidays falling on Fridays or Mondays or even Thursday , these are the ones which you have to focus. Ex : Jan 26th is falling on a thursday, so you get 4 days if you "fall" sick on Jan 27th.

Step 5 : Now visit all those Travel websites, negotiate, and book in advance for 4 nights and 5 Days. Yes , I said Book without checking with your Boss even if the travel advisor won’t refund your money on cancellation

Step 6 : Now , after you delivered a task on time , and your Boss is in good mood and faffing with you , broach the topic that you intend to go for a short vacation in that month – Never , ever reveal the dates , just month. If he sounds “approving” , say thanks and apply formally but after a couple of days.

Step 7 : If he doesn’t sound to be listening , forget it , who cares.

Step 8 : When you reach the week of your vacation , reach office late on a day prior and say you went to see doctor and keep coughing in the office , Don’t overdo though.

Step 9 : Proceed to Lonavala as scheduled but do drop a text to your Boss “ Unwell , Just went through some blood tests, may be , shall try reaching office in the evening , if possible. Can you please ask Ramesh to attend the strategy call on my behalf ”

Step 10 : Enjoy , Repeat as necessary but don’t over do.

Before I forget , here is the list of Hoildays for 2012 -

http://www.officeholidays.com/countries/india/

Here is an interesting Sick Leave Planner which I got as an email forward ! (click to enlarge )

You're welcome. 

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Things to do before the world ends!

Like every year, this year too I was planning to start my obligatory annual drill called “Making New Year Resolutions”. Yeah, Yeah, same old ones - drink more water, join gym, read a book a month etc etc. If you think it’s easy to just copy paste the last year resolutions, you’re mistaken. It involves effort, like shuffle the order of resolutions and sometimes change the grammar and font also.

While I was working on this, the year 2012 struck me. This is not a normal year. India TV has been shouting at the top of their lungs – “ 2012 , Pralay ab door nahin” and must have transmitted a program on this almost every alternate day. I know, you don’t believe in India TV at all, and, till the time Bejan Daruwalla himself says that world will end in 2012, you’ll keep paying advance AMC for your water purifier.

But, what if the Mayan Calendar is true and the world does end in 2012? What if Bejan Daruwalla himself hasn’t started copying-pasting 2013 horoscope as yet? What if, this is the reason why these telecom companies offered dirt cheap life time valid plans?

I know, it’s difficult for some of you to believe that the world will really end in 2012, especially if you just paid 5000 extra for that “extended 5 years warranty for your Korean-Made-In-China LED TV.

Anyhow, I don’t see any harm in believing this. Also, it goes well with Steve Jobs’ philosophy - ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something”.

So this year, instead of making those run of the mill New Year Resolutions, I would rather make “Things to do before the world ends”.

1. Tell my mother-in-law that the other day I puked not because of food poisoning but after eating that Gajar ka halwa she made.

2. After attending that senior management office meeting, stand-up and tell all that “thanks for wasting time, even the free coffee was not worth my time”.

3. Reply official emails classifying their actual purpose into “CYA” , “just for marking presence, doesn’t make any sense” or “Intellectual vomit to impress boss”.

4. Take a big nail, scratch the Honda CRV of that “Undeserving-Boss Sucking-Colleague” and tell him – see my initials.

5. Last, and the most, Tell you all, Rajinikant looks ugly, even Uday Chopra is more handsome than him.

In case, we all still survive after 21 Dec 2012, let’s forget what I said and get back to our BAU ie You scratch my back and I may scratch yours.

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