If Bollywood was on LinkedIn ?

First thing, it would no more be called LinkedIn , it would be LinkedUp – and you know why !

Now let’s explore some popular features of LinkedIn.

Profile :

That’s the first step for any LinkedIn user, and knowing Bollywood they would hire script writers for it. Chetan Bhagat would be the busiest person on earth and the first one to approach him would be one film wonder Sonakshi Sinha and no film no wonder Shazahn Padamsee.

Shazahn Padamsee : Current – Doing nothing , Past – Did nothing except a blink and you miss kinda role in Rocket Singh.

Shazahn Padamsee through Chetan Bhagat’s pen.

"Shazahn Padamsee, a theatre artist , a successful model turned actress is the daughter of renowned ad guru / theatre personality Alyque Padamsee and prominent pop singer Sharon Prabhakar.  She made her feature film debut in 2009 in the Hindi film Rocket Singh: Salesman of the Year opposite Ranbir Kapoor, which opened to critically acclaimed reviews ( by both Alyque and Sharon), and now she is working with critically acclaimed , national award winner , eminent director – Madhur Bhandarkar."

Add Connections :

Now as you know , typical LinkedIn user connects with people he/ she has worked with or studied with. But, Bollywood and studies hardly go together except Tusshar Kapoor who has graduated with a BBA from the Ross School of Business ( Now you know why Bollywood doesn’t pursue education).

So LinkedIn would come up with a new tab , “People you have partied with”, and Kishen Mulchandani would be the most connected man. Bombay Times and HT Cafe would sponsor this section , and would provide data and photographic proofs. So, the people you partied yesterday night , would automatically appear today in “People you may know”.

By the way, unlike tattoos , connections are not permanenet . So Deepika can always block Ranbir and reconnect with Sid.

Who’s viewed your profile:

This feature tells that “Your profile has been viewed by 14 people in last 15 days” and it further tells that who all viewed your profile. Now this would be most used feature , as it would tell that Deepika and Sonam have viewed each other’s profile 19 times and Shakti Kapoor has viewed both of their profiles 190 times. Surprisingly , Katrina has never viewed Salman’s profile.

Recommendations:

Well , this has got nothing to do with casting couch , and I repeat there’s no casting couch in this industry. So Aditya Panchssholi would self-lessly recommend Kangna but Kangna would never display that recommendation on her profile. Karan Johar would recommend every damn person except Ram Gopal Verma . Uday Chopra and Harman Baweja would love to recommend people , but LinkedIn won’t allow them to recommend.

Morani Brothers and Wizcraft would start “Paid Recommendations” where for a measly sum of INR 2 crores , you can get recommendations from Shahrukh Khan , Salman Khan or Akshay Kumar.

Aamir Khan won’t recommend any one except Kiran Rao or Imrran Khan .

Some day , I’ll also talk about premium features of LinkedIn. 

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Dieting or Die Eating?

Why weight loss shouldn't be your New Year Resolution 2011. 

1. To begin with, let's avoid anything to do with this extremely negative word 'Loss' - Robin Sharma is right , let's talk about “Gain” not “Loss”.


2. If you think losing weight is sexy and girls like it , you're wrong. Shane Warne weighs 85 kg and poor Arun Nayar is at least 10kg lighter. I won’t post Liz’s pics here , please google.

3. Some say , if you lose weight, you'll live longer – Even if it’s true , what's the fun in living a long life when you spent half of your life worrying and thinking about losing something. Even Rujuta Diwekar says that most of us "Lose mind to Lose weight" then why try.

4. Why don't you get in shape? If this bothers you perhaps you didn't study physics, maths, whatever carefully. 'Round' is a shape, and an awesome shape.

5. Are you scared of your height? No na , then why get scared of your width. Love every “dimension” of your life.

6. Rooney says, “The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.”.

7. For those who are little scientific in their approach , let me bust this myth. You may have heard of something called Body Mass Index or BMI.

                   Weight in kilograms
     BMI =      ——————————
                   Height in meters²

Now tell me , how can this be correct , when we all know we can't increase our height, so all we are left with weight. It's an absolutely one sided formula, better ignored.

8. Think about millions of people employed directly or indirectly by KFC and McDonalds. Now if all of a sudden, you stop buying French Fries , who'll feed thousands of farmers and their kids who grow potatos.

9. You really think that Dieting is good for health , when the word itself begins with Die. It's suicidal and attempting suicide is a crime in many countries. Still if you want to Die , why not Die Eating.

10. To lose weight, they say "Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper" , This is ridiculous , when you get a chance to Be a King , three times a day , why be a pauper at all.

Last, and the most, Look at this. Period.

Disclaimer : Views expressed here are those of the author, and he may have "dressed it up" to suit certain "Waisted Interests".Tweet

New Year Resolution 2011

Some of you may wonder that it's really early to think about New Year 2011 resolutions in the first week of  December 2010 , but you see “I'm different”. So this year , I'll be planning in advance. Let me give you some popular and repeated New Year Resolutions.

So , while you may pick one of these , I won't because “I'm different”.

So here I go with my 2011 New Year resolutions.

1. I'll stop reading movie reviews by Rajeev Masand, Taran Adarsh or for that matter any one , not only because they are biased but also because of huge inconsistency . Reviews of Khele Hum Jee Jan Se varied from Half a Star to Four Stars. I demand Govt. nationalise this whole movie rating business.

2. I won't Hashtag any scam next year in my tweets, frequently Hashtagging 2G, CWG, Adarsh, Radia etc has taken a heavy toll on 'Q' key on my Blackberry which shares the '#' symbol. 

3. I'll continue reading columns by Celeb Journo ( you know whom I am talking about) , but only when I am in mood to read fiction and not able to find my book "1001 Political Jokes".

4. Number Portability is certainly not for me, not because that I Love my service provider, but I don't want to make Govt. job easy to tap my phone.

5. I'll follow Chetan Bhagat , no- no not because I love him but through him I can easily know what Shejan Padamsee, Celina Jaitly and other Bollywood damsels are saying.

6. I'll go for fast unto death ( yet to decide whose death) OR drive from Borivali to Nariman Point during peak hours, to bring Arnab Goswami on Twitter. Yes, I Love Him, while you all were making fun of Kalmadi , he relentlessly interviewed him without even letting him speak.

7. You guessed it right, Fitness or Dieting won't be my New Year resolution . McDonalds and KFC employ almost 2 million people worldwide, Think about it.

8. I’ll go by I&B Ministry's advice and let them decide what my kids should watch. Have sent them all the tapes of Hannah Montana , Ninja Hattori, Power Rangers to check if It's appropriate for my 6 and 8 year old kids.

9. I'll watch every movie of Uday Chopra because Mom says "No gain without some pain".

10. Oh, I just found my 2007 New Year resolutions, I think I’ll go by them in order to save paper. Remember , Recycle, Reuse & Reduce.

Happy New Year.

Why weight loss shouldn't be your New Year Resolution 2011. 

1. To begin with, let's avoid anything to do with this extremely negative word 'Loss' - Robin Sharma is right , let's talk about “Gain” not “Loss”.

2. If you think losing weight is sexy and girls like it , you're wrong. Shane Warne weighs 85 kg and poor Arun Nayar is at least 10kg lighter. I won’t post Liz’s pics here , please google.

3. Some say , if you lose weight, you'll live longer – Even if it’s true , what's the fun in living a long life when you spent half of your life worrying and thinking about losing something. Even Rujuta Diwekar says that most of us "Lose mind to Lose weight" then why try.

4. Why don't you get in shape? If this bothers you perhaps you didn't study physics, maths, whatever carefully. 'Round' is a shape, and an awesome shape.

5. Are you scared of your height? No na , then why get scared of your width. Love every “dimension” of your life.

6. Rooney says, “The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.”.

7. For those who are little scientific in their approach , let me bust this myth. You may have heard of something called Body Mass Index or BMI.

                   Weight in kilograms

     BMI =      ——————————

                   Height in meters²

Now tell me , how can this be correct , when we all know we can't increase our height, so all we are left with weight. It's an absolutely one sided formula, better ignored.

8. Think about millions of people employed directly or indirectly by KFC and McDonalds. Now if all of a sudden, you stop buying French Fries , who'll feed thousands of farmers and their kids who grow potatos.

9. You really think that Dieting is good for health , when the word itself begins with Die. It's suicidal and attempting suicide is a crime in many countries. Still if you want to Die , why not Die Eating.

10. To lose weight, they say "Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper" , This is ridiculous , when you get a chance to Be a King , three times a day , why be a pauper at all.

Last, and the most, Look at this. Period.

Disclaimer : Views expressed here are those of the author, and he may have "dressed it up" to suit certain "Waisted Interests".

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Quit India Movement - Bollywood Edition

The year is 1942 , Mahatma Gandhi just called our Bollywood Celebs to join the Quit India movement , and this is what they have to say.

@udaychopra - It’s not always nice to use the word Quit , lets go on the other side and say “Come” – Daya Prochu

@DuttaLara – Dear @maheshbhupathi , these guys are calling for some Quit India , let’s quit india and go to france.

@iamsrk – terribly busy with ra-two , now playing Quit India on PS3 , farhan and me will beat the shit out of them.

 @SrBachchan – T1942 Pahle us aadmi ko lekar aao jisne akshay ko jackass bola tha. Baapu,  phir tum jahan bologe , mein aoonga.

@priyankachopra – Long day , farhan and srk are playing quit india , I am the cheer leader, I love bhagat singh xoxo.

@shahidkapoor – what’s this quilt india ? I like Jaipuri Quilt. Now off on my Harley for a ride .Broadband is erotic , shabbakhair.

@realpreityzinta – Good morning folks ! I’ll not join any movement against Brits as University of London is giving me a honorary doctorate.

@Riteishd – Rajnikant’s new movie is called Quitter , he’ll make India quit from this planet.

@RGVzoomin – Quit India movie is so violent that even Rakht Charitra would like a family function in Karan Johar’s movies

@kjohar25 – Off to London for a Quit India theme fashion show with Gauri and Susanne.

@iHrithik – Amgrezo , meri  GUZAARISH  hai ki Bharat Chhodo , btw Sanjay Leela rocks.

@Ayeshatakia - :) :)

@GulPanag – I am on my way to chandigarh, in Shatabdi.  btw recording this whole Quit India movement on my #tataskyplus.

Also starring

@chetan_bhagat - Please Quit India and join CB Land , my INDEPENDENT nation , comprising of all girls hostels. TROLLS , PLEASE EXCUSE.  #househusband

Disclaimer : The stars in this blog may be real but they have been playing fictitious characters all their real or reel life and always claim that  any resemblance to persons living , dead  or in between is purely coincidental , so be it. 

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