What to say when you got nothing to say.

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Venusians on Twitter !

This post is a result of extensive research and study, my sample size was approximately 3 women and Two and a Half men, many of them not even on twitter.By the end of this post you would know how to differentiate a Male tweep ( usually from Mars, wandering on earth) from a Female tweep (also owns the earth,  from venus though)  or vice versa (Refer Disclaimer). This post doesn't cover Archana, Farah or Bieber for obvious reasons.

So let's start, how to identify a female tweep.

Display Profile: It’s a no-brainer, one with pretty DPs are usually women. Some time you’ll see only half face with pretty eyes, only eyes, side pose , ever smiling face, and also some frequently changing DPs. Please ensure you don't stare for long, in past many men are caught viewing womens' DP on full-screen mode.

Twitter Handle: Handles are bit confusing, say @adi may be Aditya, Aditi or AdIndia, so arriving at a conclusion on the basis of handle alone is not good enough. Let's say even for @jyoti and @laxmi don't assume they are women as it could be Jyotiraditya or Laxmipati Balaji. So don’t try judging by handles, if by any chance you see some explicit mention says @RitzHotChick, safely assume that it’s an Orkutiya in disguise.

Bio: Well, for female species, 140 characters are never enough to describe, still you can get some subtle hints from the Bios.

[“I am that 80s girl, literally”]  [“Part-time writer, full time mum”] [“Scorpion, Non believer, Shopaholic”]  [“ hubby’s handle is @vikaspgoel”]  [“Chatterbox , Tweet a lot, and an Arjun Rampal fan”]  [“Drama Queen”] 

Tweets: Last and the most are the tweets itself, some sample tweets you are unlikely to see from a male tweep are: 

“Son won an award today, so proud” - Dads are equally proud, but hardly tweet.

“Guy I had a crush in school is so fat now”. - Sour grapes

“Bad day, Little darling Jacky didn’t eat properly”  or simply “I love Jacky”– Though it’s sure that tweeter is a woman, but Jacky may be dog, boy friend , husband or driver.

“Off to Gym still craving for that chocolate cake” - usually tweeted by fittest of female species to create complex among other members of same species.

“Fed up with these orkutiyas, some one help please” - This is just a self-confidence building measure.
"There r ***** guys in d world" - Means nothing, but results in many mentions.
"No one wants to talk to me" - Actually a trap, guys start replying and she'll vanish or declare the guy a stalker.


Finally, stereotyping this species is almost suicidal, so it's always better to avoid generalizing and go by your own experience. 

Disclaimer:  None of the above tips are 100% fool proof, so author takes no responsibility if you err, by the way why do you want to find out if a tweep is a man or a woman on Twitter, focus on real life instead.

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I accept responsibility

“I accept responsibility”. I know that you know who said this, but before you jump your guns, take a pause, and think about it. This is not that three word sentence that every teenager keeps on muttering to other teenager of  opposite sex (some times same sex also). It’s deep.

Saying this is not easy, just try remembering when did you last say this. On that BMI scale, I am overweight by 10kg, still, I blame my wife, mother, office and Ray Krok for this.

Last time I heard something similar from a person holding public office( need not google, this is my own definition of public office) was Steve Jobs. He didn't say this exactly, but he was close, and the kind of person he is, saying this was more than enough- “We're not Perfect”.

Now let's not compare the two epic personalities because they are altogether different -

One of them wears a blue turban and other blue denims. One of them did complete his studies to get a doctorate while other dropped out from the college

One is a leader who is widely respected by other leaders and even Newsweek Magazine said "the leader other leaders love" while other is hated, possibly by all so called leaders sitting in their corner offices. 

One of them takes his own decisions and hardly listens, yes only one of them.

One is ever willing to resign and retire while other came back even after getting sacked , and wants to be at the helm always.

Only similarity I see is that succession for both is an issue.

So all I want to say is when these two can accept responsibility, why can't we?

Be it our work-life or personal life, our relationships, our commitment to our society, family and friends, let's be courageous enough to say -  "I accept responsibility".

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Why people resign?

Usually I put a disclaimer at the end, but this being a sensitive issue, let me begin with it.

This is purely a work of friction, any resemblance to you, your boss, colleague or workplace is purely co-incidental. Also, it has got nothing to do with Hosni Mobarak’s resignation as you’ll find even worse dictators at your work place.

Let’s begin with - Why do you work ?

I know, it’s all about serving the society, giving back the nation what you got from it, to contribute to the government exchequer through taxes, to achieve that highest thing called “self actualisation” in Maslow’s need hierarchy.

Enough, cut the crap, It’s all about money, honey. How else you'll buy that $700 iPhone4 to make a phone call, with known network issues.

Now that we have narrowed down to the reason why you work, let’s see why people resign from one organisation to join another organisation.

I interviewed 321 Vice Presidents (names withheld to avoid making them popular)  in the First Class compartment of Mumbai Local, Virar to Churchgate , result was : “People leave managers not companies” .

I know some of you agree to it , but this is like saying “I read playboy for its articles”. 

So you tell me that your Boss sucks, steals credit for your job, does favouritism, doesn’t know as much as you do, get paid for just sucking-up, But, It’s like saying most politicians are corrupt or Uday Chopra is a bad actor.

When did you last meet a person who said “I love my Boss” or if at all you find a place where people love their Bosses, why the hell they’ll pay you to work there.

I know your boss may be a jerk, but how can you resign and join other unknown jerk - Don’t you know that “Known Devil is better than unknown God”

So, if you choose to resign, don’t give that crap that it’s because of your difficult Boss - It’s all because you find some other “free coffee place with double ff aka office", which is paying you more .

In the end, It’s all about money, honey.

By vikaspgoel | View this Toon at ToonDoo | Create your own Toon

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Science of decision making - Movie Review Edition

Vencut Sobbo, BTech, MBA, Senior Vice President–Strategy, was busy making a presentation on “Strategic Initiatives for Sustainable Growth by Leveraging Synergies”, when he got a call from his wife that she would like to go for a movie.

Hard pressed for time, he called up his Secy and asked about hindi movies currently playing.  Cecillia replied, “Dil to Baccha hai Ji, Yamla Pagla Deewana, Dhobhi Ghat, No One Killed Jessica & Tees Maar Khan ”.

His AVP, Suniel GoSwami, MBA from IIIICM, overheard this and decided to do a quick research on the reviews and ratings,  and knowing that Mrs. Sobbo was an Aamir Khan fan , he "zeroed in" on Dhobhi Ghat.

Suniel, like most of you , relied on the medieval “Star Rating” system to choose which movie to watch but decided to “Walk an extra mile” to impress his boss .

He pulled out 21 reviews of Dhobhi Ghat , meticulously put them in a PowerPoint.

These were the results :

« One Star – (1) Komal Nahta

«« Two Star – (3) Minty Tezpal ( Mumbai Mirror) , Gaurav Malani ( Economic Times) & Blessy Chettiar ( DNA)

««^1/2 Two and a Half star – (4) Khalid Mohammed & Kaveree Bamzai( India Today) etc

««« Three Star – (5) Anupama Chopra ( NDTV) , Rajeev Masand ( IBN) , Sonil Dedhia ( Rediff) etc

«««^1/2 Three and Half Star- ( 5) Nikhat Kazmi ( Times) , Sonia Chopra ( Sify) , Sarita Tawar ( Mid-Day) etc

«««« Four Star – (3) Taran Adarsh , Santa Banta and Now Running.

Little confused but knowing his Boss’s fetish for numbers and stats , he didn’t settle for this raw data and “drilled down” further . So all 21 results were “populated” in “Microsoft Access” and he “Run a query” to find a little more scientific and statistically correct rating , results were :

Average	2.928571
Mode	3
Median	3
Geometric Mean	2.805119
Harmonic Mean	2.643093

As any statistical result would have , he also added a disclaimer : "It's assumed that all 21 reviewers are equally talented ( hence no need of weighted mean), and none of them has been influenced by any kith, kin cast or crew of any of these movies. Also, it's assumed that they have rated these movies after watching at least 10 minutes each of both halves"

Satisfied that he had done enough, he called his boss to tell the results. Vencut , entered the cabin humming “Sheila ki Jawani”, looked at the PowerPoint titled “Informed Decision Making” .  Inspite of being a “Man of numbers”, he was not looking visibly impressed with this 6 slide power point presentation with graphs and pie charts. He called Cecilia to check who’s the heroine in Dhobhi Ghat , Cecilia said “Some new unglamorous chic, I don’t know the name, sir”.

Vencut immediately called his wife “Honey , tried tickets of Dhobhi Ghat , but couldn’t get , so got you Tees Maar Khan – It’s an Akshay Starrer, and a comedy which you’ll like”. 

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