Things to do before the world ends!

Like every year, this year too I was planning to start my obligatory annual drill called “Making New Year Resolutions”. Yeah, Yeah, same old ones - drink more water, join gym, read a book a month etc etc. If you think it’s easy to just copy paste the last year resolutions, you’re mistaken. It involves effort, like shuffle the order of resolutions and sometimes change the grammar and font also.

While I was working on this, the year 2012 struck me. This is not a normal year. India TV has been shouting at the top of their lungs – “ 2012 , Pralay ab door nahin” and must have transmitted a program on this almost every alternate day. I know, you don’t believe in India TV at all, and, till the time Bejan Daruwalla himself says that world will end in 2012, you’ll keep paying advance AMC for your water purifier.

But, what if the Mayan Calendar is true and the world does end in 2012? What if Bejan Daruwalla himself hasn’t started copying-pasting 2013 horoscope as yet? What if, this is the reason why these telecom companies offered dirt cheap life time valid plans?

I know, it’s difficult for some of you to believe that the world will really end in 2012, especially if you just paid 5000 extra for that “extended 5 years warranty for your Korean-Made-In-China LED TV.

Anyhow, I don’t see any harm in believing this. Also, it goes well with Steve Jobs’ philosophy - ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something”.

So this year, instead of making those run of the mill New Year Resolutions, I would rather make “Things to do before the world ends”.

1. Tell my mother-in-law that the other day I puked not because of food poisoning but after eating that Gajar ka halwa she made.

2. After attending that senior management office meeting, stand-up and tell all that “thanks for wasting time, even the free coffee was not worth my time”.

3. Reply official emails classifying their actual purpose into “CYA” , “just for marking presence, doesn’t make any sense” or “Intellectual vomit to impress boss”.

4. Take a big nail, scratch the Honda CRV of that “Undeserving-Boss Sucking-Colleague” and tell him – see my initials.

5. Last, and the most, Tell you all, Rajinikant looks ugly, even Uday Chopra is more handsome than him.

In case, we all still survive after 21 Dec 2012, let’s forget what I said and get back to our BAU ie You scratch my back and I may scratch yours.

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That guy and an office party!

If you work with any organization which has more than 2 people, and where they give you free coffee, in all likelihood you would have attended An Office Party.  For many middle class employees (read Asst Vice President and below) , office parties are nothing but a wild card entry to the free booze and food.

Your office may give you any reason for these parties, but the untold ones are-

• Completion of a project without any major (known) goof-up.
• HR telling managers that informal gatherings help increase team morale.
• Finance realizing that there’s still some budget left and year is about to end.
• Achievement of sales targets without counting sale-returns.
• Getting an award from a News Channel or a Print Media where you’re the biggest advertiser.
• Manager’s wife and kids are out of town and cook is not coming.

Anyhow, why bother with the real reason, when one gets a chance to see that their not-so-middle-class bosses also love free booze as much as the subordinates.

Office Parties are usually fun for all except for the rare-and-soon-to-be-extinct lot of people called teetotalers. These are the biggest misfit in any team, and if they happen to be a vegetarian also, God bless! In any office party, these species are distinctly visible & audible–“One fresh lime soda, sweet-salted please”.  Not only this, every snack that waiter brings, first thing they check- “Boss, Veg na?”

As if this was not enough, they also find it difficult to enjoy manager’s jokes. So what if it’s lame, no harm in giggling though.  When the happy-go-lucky are contemplating should it be another tequila, scotch or beer, these guys are found with their plates stuffed with that butter paneer, naan and daal makhani. 

Next time if there’s an office party, it’s better to give these Vegetarian Teetotalers free meal vouchers of “Sukh Sagar Veg  Bhojanalaya”. 

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What Andy Warhol didn't tell you!

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Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di

Yo boys I am singing song
Soup song...
Flop song ...
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di
Rhythm correct
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di
Maintain this
Why this kolaveri..aaa di.
Kambli-u
Cricket la You suck-u suck-u
Movies la you flop-u flop-u
Election la you lost-u lost-u
15 years you sleep-u sleep-u
Match la fix-u fix-u, you gone mad-u mad-u
Trying for big boss-u boss-u ?
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri da
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri da
Shahrukh-u
Ra.one la spent-u crores-u crores-u
Promotion la you mad-u mad-u
Taran says hit-u hit-u, Raja says flop-u flop-u
Filum flop-u or hit-u, no one knows-u knows-u
South culture good-u good-u
You eat-u curd noodle-u noodle-u
Curly hairs suck-u suck-u
South fun bad-u bad-u
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri da
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri da
Sunny Leone-u
White skin-u girl-u girl-u
Indian born-u girl-u girl-u
Rockstar Rockstar good-u good-u
PornStar PornStar bad-u bad-u
Indian cluture good-u good-u
Welcome to India, come-u come-u
But Indians, cum-u cum-u
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di
Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri diTweet

New Year Resolutions, WTF!

Like every year, in 2011 beginning too, I did the drill called Making New Year Resolutions. And, again like every year, they were same as the last year, and many earlier years.

Now with 40 days to go in 2012, dilemma is – Should I start working on the New Year 2012 resolutions, or, revisit and do a progress check on the year 2011 ones. 

December 2010, till now, few of my key plans were around:

Fitness:  Started the year with a weight of 87kg, with plans to go to 80kg ( OK, 82 ). This is the resolution, which is on my mind daily, yet it’s just on my mind and doesn’t reflect well on my rear or front. Every day, I tell myself - will start running from tomorrow for sure. My iPod and Nike shoes are in never ending wait that the dude will come and dust us.  With weight touching 89, I’m sure this resolution will go a long way.

Reading / UpSkilling: Thought of completing some in-house job-related certifications, 2 sets of courses, one needs some 14 exams to clear and I am stuck at 11. Other can’t be started till I clear all the 14 exams of the first level. Initial goal was to read at least a book a month, and all I read till now was, 2 fictions – Chanakya Chants & Revolution 2020.

Writing: Wanted to move beyond blogging and start writing a fiction, yet to begin.

NGO: Was pretty sure on this one, will start an NGO definitely in 2011 – self-funded to begin with. Did some work, had some ideas, contacted some wonderful people ( must mention here Chandni - @fundacause and Vibhuti  @dheelidhakkan ) , yet no traction here also.

With 40 days yet to go, still none of these seem to be near conclusion. With this in mind, am sure for 2012, all I need to do is : New Year Resolutions 2011 2012 .

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Network, so that you need notwork.

Are you that hardworking type? The one who believes that success is 99.9% perspiration and Work is Worship? Then please leave this page immediately and go back to work. Yes, it’s because of you that your Boss gets promoted. So, go ahead and please work even more so that HE can go home early for HIS golf practice while you do the number crunching.

Only worthwhile thing ever said about hard work is ~ If hard work were really a virtue, then mules would be saints. ~ James Dee Richardson

So all you need to know is how to network, so that you need notwork.

Smoking: I know, smoking is injurious to health and that research report says that it may shorten your life by 7 years. But, won’t it be better if you die as VP- Strategy, Synergy & Looking Forward than live long as an Assistant Manager – Sales. These smoking breaks would help you interact with your Boss’s Boss and give you a chance to appreciate his new Rolex watch.

Drinking: When was the last time you heard that CEO’s favorite drink is Lassi. You need to love your Vodka and Tequilas. How else would you be able to laugh at the COO’s silly jokes during that office Project Raw.Deal success party? 

Flirting: Come on, what’s the harm even if you are married. Your wife would love you even more when you give her a solitaire on her birthday rather than that discounted Giordano watch. Be it that “not so young” head of marketing or your Boss’s secy, everyone likes to hear – Hey, looking so pretty, what did you do to your hair today”. Try, and see the results, at least this will help you in getting some dope about the Boss’s mood.

Faffing: You really think you’ll gain that promotion by being glued to your desk and bending 45 degrees towards your computer screen – that’ll only give you a backache.  Get up and roam around. Spend some time at that coffee machine you hate, at the common office printer, loo and the cafeteria. Those are the places where you get to know who’s not getting along with his boss and who got snubbed in that Vision 2012 meeting. FYI, most of the promotions are discussed in the corridor.

Spamming: Yes, no one minds those occasional jokes over phone and some interesting email forwards. These also help your bosses and seniors to kill time in those long meetings. And, you never know when that email forward reaches your CEO and gives you that 20 seconds of glory in his inbox.

If at any point of time you think that these tips are not working, try them in combinations. Say, Drinking & Flirting together - at an office party.

PS: Smoking is injurious to health, many die at Asst. Manager Level also. Yes, Smoking Kills.

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Ra.One Damn Damn!

Those who know me are well aware of my love for Bollywood, SRK in general and Himesh Reshamiya in particular. The best thing about this industry is that they are so passionate about the craft that they don’t give a damn about time and money – your time and your money.

Let’s discuss the two most awaited Bollywood releases this Diwali. No this is not a movie review, as in Bollywood it’s unethical to publish the review before you watch the movie. 

Ra.One 

If you are connected to any form of media or simply put, if you’re alive, you would have heard about this movie. I am told that this is the Bollywood’s most expensive movie to date and will not be surprised if it’s the most expensive mistake of SRK’s life. This movie has also baffled the traditional MBA community who still think that the 4 Ps of marketing are Product, Price , Place and Promotion. New school of management, also known as MbaOne believes that there’s only one P of marketing and that is Promotion. On a serious note, this is known to be Bollywood’s most inclusive project ever, never before have a Tamil superstar, a Non Tamil Superstar and a Non Indian R&B superstar come together in a movie. Infact this American R&B artist, aka Aliaune Damala Badara Thiam, was so happy that he announced that he would like to perform more in India – Bryan Adams is worried.

Damadamm! 

The other movie worth mentioning is Damadamm! (exclamation mark is part of the name, not my expression ). If RaOne is the most expensive attempt , this one is the most audacious attempt. It features the Himesh Reshamiya who will once again prove that India has got talent. Unlike SRK, Himesh does not believe in opulence, be it music, singing or distribution , he’s all doing it by himself except for the female lead. His promotions too are simple testimonies of his friends and relatives, who say this Diwali they’ll just watch Damadamm! –SRK is worried . If SRK is boasting about ChamakChallo, Himesh says it’s UmraoJaan who’s the next Shiela . In fact, song is so popular that even SRK sings it when he’s mobbed by the fans. 

No touching no touching ♬

Only seeing only seeing ♬

No kissing no kissing ♬

Only seeing only seeing ♬

Chances are, that you’ll still end up watching at least one of these movies, and knowing you all, it’ll be the one who needs it most. Happy Diwali.

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I am not Gandhi, even you're not.

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Writing it off !

Writing is not easy, writing regularly is even more difficult. Hats off to people like Madhavan Narayanan , Sidin Vadukut, Jhunjhunwala, Faking News and many others who write regularly, week after week and write bloody well.

I try writing on weekends and my cues are usually on current affairs, on Bollywood or Corporate Life ( an oxymoron though). I wrote twice about Bollywood movies; ZNMD & MBKD, and both the movies did financially well. I thought, this week too, let me go and spend 1000 bucks on watching Mausam and write about it, was afraid that it my spoil my track record of writing about “Box Office Hit Movies". I also wanted to save money for the iphone5,  and dropped the idea.

Clueless about what to write, this Paris Hilton thing happened. Like all seasoned researchers I also started my research with google.  Within 0.13 seconds, I got 143,000,000 results.  Now google pointed me to pages that cannot be opened without  declaring “Continue, I’m over 18” and then putting the “family filter” off.  With kids around, I shelved the plan and decided to do a "safe" twitter search and landed on her twitter page. 
Bio : Model, Actress, Singer, Brand, Business Woman, Fashion Designer, Author, Philanthropist and Empire.
I always thought she is just famous for being filthy rich and releasing her short videos which people in India call MMS. She has close to 4.8 million followers which is almost 100 times the followers our very own and equally talented Poonam Pandey has. I think India got her wrong, she’s much more than what India think she is famous for.

Still, I thought let me tweet something about her to check what people want and in a few tweets realized that men want to “see” more of her not “read” about her, dropped the idea of writing about her.

Then, this Vinod Kambli’s pic caught my attention. Later I realized that he has announced his retirement from cricket. Retirement!! I don’t follow cricket that keenly but atleast know this much that he’s not even part of any Ghatkopar or even Kandivali east cricket team, then what the hell is this retirement. Any how, wishing him the best of “retired” life, I moved on.

Continuing with cricket, I noted that Shoaib Akhtar is trending on twitter. Came to know that the guy is in India to promote his new book. Already disturbed with the fact that every Tom, Dick and Banker has taken up writing, Shoaib’s new book really upset the aspiring writer in me.  Still Ok, but what the hell is there to trend. OMG, he said, “Sachin , Dravid were scared of me”.  So what big deal, he’s doing that for the publicity. Our Bollywood does these stunts every Friday.

Fed up with all this, I dropped the idea of writing all together this week.

Insignificantly Yours

Vikas Goel

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Mere Brother ki Dulhan

I am just back after watching this movie. I feel you should also watch it. If you are still hesitant, pick any of these reasons and get going.

• It’s a family movie, I mean when did you last come across a movie which had two family members in the movie title itself – Brother and Dulhan.
• You are a big time Katrina fan, and, you don’t have access to youtube where you can watch her Aamsutra ad.
• Any thing to do with Imran Khan must be good. He still remains your favorite, especially after his split with Jemina Khan, oh wait.
• You are a firm believer that it’s our obligation to promote a movie which has an actor from Pakistan. Especially when every other attempt to bring peace between the two countries has already failed.
• You are big fan of Taran Adarsh, John Abraham or both. ( Yes, I said John Abraham )
• Any thing which can be abbreviated to four alphabets ending with letter D is your idea of fun – ZNMD , **PD, MBKD etc.
• You can’t believe that someone can mashup good movies like Sorry Bhai and Monsoon Wedding and still do a pathetic job.
• You watch every Yash Raj movie because you had a dream that one day Aditya Chopra would do a cameo and you’ll get to see him.
• AC at your home is not working and electrician says it’ll take around 3 hours to get it repaired.
•  Last, but not the least, you are still miffed with Team India's performance in England and want to punish yourself. 

 Please note that this is not a paid review, and no animals have been harmed while writing this post.Tweet

I am corrupt, You?

As you all know, I am a simple, God Loving, Wife Fearing, Middle Class Indian.  I must say,  after this Anna Phenomenon, and Media saying that it’s all because of the Great Indian Middle Class, I am more than proud to belong to this class. Other wise, after buying a 1 ½  BHK, carpet area of 480 sq ft, with borrowed money, in Mumbai suburbs, I had started thinking that I had moved up a notch.

The recent furor over corruption always made me wonder–When it comes to corruption, why we only talk about the public servants?  Are they the only ones  who could be corrupt , no one else?

Well, this made me do what any average middle class, internet accessing Indian would do, Google “What is corruption?”.

And these were the results –

Dishonest or fraudulent conduct by those in power, typically involving bribery . Lack of integrity or honesty (especially susceptibility to bribery); use of a position of trust for dishonest gain.

Then I also checked “What is bribe?” –

Money or any other valuable consideration given or promised with a view to persuade or induce the behavior of person.

Now that I knew what corruption and bribe were, I was clear that Team Anna is in the right direction -Average Indian Middle Class can’t be corrupt. 

I was about to switch-off and hit the bed when my daughter came in begging, Papa please explain the meaning of this -

Bura Jo Dekhan Main Chala, Bura Naa Milya Koye !

Jo Munn Khoja Apnaa, To Mujhse Bura Naa Koye !!

By the time I was done explaining, I knew something was wrong.

• When my son refused to eat green vegetables, didn’t I say -if you eat this for a week I’ll buy you a new BeyBlade.
• Didn’t I say “yes” when the computer service guy asked “Sir, got some new games, should I copy on your laptop”.
• Didn’t I visit www.songs.pk to download the latest Bodyguard songs composed by the very talented Himesh Reshammiya and Pritam.
• Didn’t I say “yes” when the interior designer said, “Sir, if you insist on full bill – will have to pay service tax”.
• Didn’t I pay 500 to a temple agent to get a quicker access to God when I visited the Shani temple.
• Parents doing kids' homework or school projects to ensure that kids get better grades.
• Agar tu mujhe tera program(source code) dega toh main tujhe us ladki ka contact details dunga! via TaiyouSun
• Don't we say "God, please get my job done, 101 ka prasad chadhaunga" via amancool5

Before you start criticising the "system" , just think - Is Hamam mein sab nange hain !. 

 PS: If you got some more examples of corruption in every day life, feel free to tweet or comment, will be happy to include ( with credits ).

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Don't feel like going to office?

As usual, today also Vencut got up at 6.30 am, rubbing his eyes he picked up daily bunch of news papers lying at the door and hit the sofa. Unlike every morning, when he use to start his day reading Economic Times while checking emails on his Blackberry, today he picked up The Bombay Times first. His blackberry was lying unattended, ignored and wondering why its master (rather slave) is ignoring her.

His wife noticed that Vencut is staring that Vidya Balan’s “the dirty picture” for last five minutes and the tea almost got cold.

“Venky, Are you Ok? Should I make you some more hot tea ? I never knew you liked Vidya that much”, asked his wife.

Vencut, still lost, said “Darling, I don’t feel like going to office, let’s go out for a long drive”.

“You don’t want to go to office OR You want to go for a long drive?” , asked wife. 

Vencut, already frustrated, shouted “what’s the difference?”  By now, his wife has already gone into the bathroom for a shower.

Vencut started thinking  about her question again “You don’t want to go to office OR you want to go for a long drive”. She was right, there was a huge difference, and actually – He just didn’t want to go to office.

I am sure Vencut is not the only one, it must have happened to you as well. There are days when you don’t want to go to office, for some, these days are almost five times a week. Never mind.

Well, when it comes to work, I believe there could be only two philosophies -

- Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

- Work is not supposed to give you happiness, if it was, why would you get paid.

Now if you claim you are in the first category, either you are a Pornstar or a liar. If you think, MS Dhoni also fits into the first category, just check with him once especially after that England tour. Emraan Hashmi - not again, kissing may be fun but acting is certainly not. 

If you are not in the first category, here are my two cents.

Just think of five things which gives you happiness, Now, see if any of these activities pay you as well. Think harder. OK, stop thinking - you won't find one. 


Well, in short – Lift your damn ass and go to office, no one will pay you to be happy. 

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Why Anna did but we couldn't !

Fasting, Me? Live to eat..

and drink..

Waiting for God to make his 100th 100 

Got meetings to attend and deadlines to meet.

Honey, come early and we'll go for a movie

Dude, gotta update my status, Bye.

Disclaimer: I don't have rights to any of these pics, all have been downloaded from internet. 

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Having fun with LinkedIn!

LinkedIn and Facebook are most popular social networking sites when it comes to connecting with your Current and your Ex – girlfriends or colleagues. I know some people do get mixed up but it’s preferred to connect with girlfriends / boyfriends on facebook and leave LinkedIn for colleagues or other professional contacts. ( In case you have a relationship in office, God Bless you)

Like all of you, even I used to think that LinkedIn is for serious kinds till I figured out some interesting ways to have fun ( and get noticed ). 

Recently, I noticed that there was a typo in my designation on LinkedIn and corrected that. Next day, my LinkedIn mailbox was flooded with these:

Hello Vikas, 

I saw you added XXXXXXXX to your profile, and wanted to drop you a note of congratulations!

Thanks to LinkedIn notifications, my contacts would have got a message that –

Vikas Goel has an updated current title or Vikas Goel is now XXXXX . Send Note

And knowing people, they would have clicked on “send note” to congratulate me. So, even if your job/designation doesn’t change – keep editing your profile and baffle your contacts.

Other fun feature is - Who’s viewed your profile? tab on the right side. 

Yes, now it's possible to find out who's stalking you. Click and you may be surprised to see that pretty marketing lady in office you met in the elevator, was checking out your profile.So once you know, who was checking you out, see if it works to your advantage. 

Have fun !

( If you know more of such ways to have fun on linkedin, drop me a note, will be glad to share here.)

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Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara

Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara , or ZNMD as it’s popularly called is not an ordinary movie – it’s almost Deepak Chopra, Robin Sharma with a dash of Katrina or as Jaaved Jaafri would call it –it’s different.

I went for this movie, not that I like topless Farhan Akhtar but because I got free tickets. As widely publicised , this movie is about seizing the moment, live life, over come your fears et al . But, there were also some subtle, some untold messages to be taken home.

Here you go.

• Never ever show your girlfriend the gift you got for your Mom or sister.
• Never flirt with your best friend’s girlfriend; he’ll not forgive you till he gets his next– Friendship na Rahegi Dobara.
• Your friend may still accept if you flirt with his girlfriend but never ever mess with his cell phone.
• Close your room’s door before you video chat with your fiancée, rather never video chat with your fiancée.
• It’s still fine if you don’t know swimming but learn dancing and driving.
• Always be kiss-ready and ready-to-kiss.
• If hit hard, even tomatoes hurt.
• Love & Sex are beyond any boundaries especially linguistic boundaries.
• If two of the three friends date one girl, and third one somehow couldn’t – he’ll one day call her a bitch.
• And last but not the least – Holidays are a must - Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara ! 

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Think before you Twit or Pee !

• Leave the Toilet  Twitter way you want to find it.

• If you sprinkle while you tinkle, please wipe off the Toilet  Twitter.

• Don’t leave Toilet  Twitter for someone else to clean up after you.

• Don’t litter the Toilet  Twitter.

• Don’t graffiti the Toilet  Twitter; it devalues your name and talent.

• Please do not flush hygiene products down the Toilet  Twitter.

• You may need to wash your hand after you visit the Toilet  Twitter.

• Toilet  Twitter training should only be for toddlers, unless you’re starting yours this late.

• This is Toilet  Twitter not your dustbin that you’ll spit chewing gum in it.

• Do not start shitting before you are completely settled in the Toilet  Twitter.

• Toilet  Twitter is not a place to discuss business.

• Treat this Toilet  Twitter as your own.

              Follow them to avoid a stinking Toilet  Twitter.

PS: Image via internet, source unknown.

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Dope on Doping in Office

We all heard about the recent doping scandal and you must be wondering why the hell these guys do it, right? You hypocrite! Let’s start with what’s doping ?

Doping – Use of Prohibitive drugs or methods to enhance performance. The use of performance enhancing drugs is mostly done to improve athletic performance. It is considered unethical and banned by most international sports organizations because it gives competitors an unfair advantage over others.

Well, now that you know the meaning of doping, let’s admit that we all do it. Wait, Wait – You haven’t done it ever – let’s re focus on the definition “ Use of prohibitive methods to enhance performance to gain competitive advantage”.

Now that half-yearly appraisals are near, let’s be reminded of a typical appraisal rating scale in most of the organisations.

• Outstanding
• Exceeds Expectations
• Meets Expectations
• Below Expectations

I know that most of you don’t even know what’s expected of you at your job, still, you’ll strive to be at least in that “Exceeds Expectations” category. Knowing the bell-curve , this means being in the top 20-25% of your colleagues who are also competing for the same.

And here’s the dope on how some of you have been gaining “unfair competitive advantage” by using “prohibitive methods” .

• Without sacrificing personal life by working late, still, sending that occasional late evening email to boss when you are idling in office because your wife is coming to pick you up.
• Bringing that special aromatic oil from Kerala or that Mava Kachauri from Jodhpur because his Missus likes it.
• Complimenting his shirt as if it’s made of the finest cotton in-spite of knowing that it’s Peter England.
• Remembering your Boss’s anniversary and reminding him of his boss’s anniversary.
• Asking, “How is Aarav’s cricket coaching going on ?” While you struggle remembering names of your nephews and nieces.
• Showing up in office while on leave or replying emails to prove your involvement.
• Saying, “Good that you noticed that error. Your eye for detail is unmatched”, even if he just corrected an obvious typo.
• Sharing his hobbies, and talking about them, and occasionally getting beaten up in his sport – even if he sucks at it.
• Feeding him with the office gossip, even if it involves making up stories about his rivals in office.
• "Is doping really possible" Asking such stupid questions and making him sound intelligent in front of others.
•  "Boss, Ma'am really got a great taste in house decor" , praising his Missus occasionally.

So, now you agree that we all use these unfair methods for our competitive advantage, so keep doping. Happy Appraisals.

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CokeStudio@MTV

Like everyone else even I was waiting for CokeStudio India. Must admit that it has got nothing to do with my love of Music, Coke or MTV. Like most other things in life, it was all about herd instinct.

For about a month or so, my timeline is abuzz with mentions of CokeStudio Pakistan. Frankly speaking, as far as music is concerned, even I am a big fan of Pakistan. You got it wrong, it's less to do with Ustad Rahat Fateh Ali Khan but more to do with www.songXX.Pk ( name withheld on request), my one stop shop for music.

Some say it’s a real game changer for MTV, it'll put Music back to MTV blah blah. But, I am sure that after producing trendsetting and inspiring shows like Roadies & SplitsVilla,  MTV doesn’t give a damn to M.

Finally the day arrived, had earmarked this day in my calendar. I didn’t even accept any meeting after 5 today so that I can reach home before 7. It took me almost 45 seconds to find MTV Channel on my TV, last I remember switching on MTV when Cyrus Broacha was young and Cyrus Sahukar wasn’t even born. Atlast, I was watching Shaan on the CokeStudio and was glad that like everything else we’ll bollywoodise this also. 

But, all that begun well didn’t end well for me, this is not what an Indian expects from a music programme.

Where the hell were judges in this – Talented Himesh, Anu Malik, Farah Khan, not even Archana Pooran Singh. Now how would I know whether Chinna Ponnu’s scale was correct or not. I still miss Himesh, his cap and his crap ( sorry,  I mean Jai Mata Di, let’s rock). Now in absence of an eminent judge like Farah Khan, who would tell Harshdeep that she lacks that X factor and good singing is not everything.

Scoring – Now this is really lame, how can you guys watch a musical without scoring? Imagine talented Archana Pooran Singh scoring participants at the CokeStudio  and giving 7/10 to Kailash Kher and 9/10 to Khagen Gogoi. For an average audience scores of experts like Sanjay Leela Bhansali and Archana are must to judge and compare the finesse of these performers.

Drama – Simple plain signing , written introduction and then singing again – What the hell is this. Why these guys didn’t show Sabri Brothers' rags to riches story, why cameramen didn’t visit their village to show their old parents, neighbours and even family cow. How about showing Priyanka Chopra and Uday Chopra introducing Shaan ? Why Tochi’s family was not in the audience with camera focusing on them every time he picks a high scale note.

Seems there’s no MBA in CokeStudio team, how can you have a reality music show with no movie stars coming and promoting their movie. SRK could have come to promote RaOne.  Tushaar, Arshad, Sharman should have been called to promote Golmaal-9, they would also have judged the show. Talented Tushaar Kapoor would have given a tip or two to Sabri Bros.

Last and the most important , NO VOTE APEEAL – now this is ridiculous. Harshdeep should have appealed for vote , especially from Punjab. Being a Punjabi, I was ready with my mobile and would have spent  Rs. 7 to “save her”.  This is really bad for the economy as well.

Let’s watch the next episode coming Friday, if they don’t correct themselves even then , one of you should fast in front of CokeStudio .

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मीठे में क्या है?

Well, as promised, We are back. This is part 2 of my collaboration with the world famous Shiv Mishra , who blogs in Hindi at http://www.shiv-gyan.blogspot.com/ .

रोज की तरह आज भी शर्मा जी ने टाइम पर डिब्बे में रखे लंच का संहार किया. अचार के मसाले को चाटते हुए उनके चेहरे पर एक मुस्कान थी. लंच के बाद जब वे हाथ धो रहे थे, उस समय भी एक बार फिर से उनके चेहरे पर उसी मुस्कान का एक्शन रिप्ले हुआ जो उनके अचार का मसाला चाटते हुए आई थी. आइये जानने की कोशिश करते हैं कि शर्मा जी के मुखड़े पर इस मुस्कान के आने का कारण क्या है? उनसे पूछें? जाने दीजिये. मूड तो उनका ठीक है लेकिन मैनेजर ही तो हैं. पता नहीं कब बिदक जायें? वैसे भी आज सुबह से अभी तक किसी बात पर वे बिदके नहीं हैं. ऐसे में क्या पता कि हमारे सवाल पर ही बिदक जायें? 

आफिस में रहते हुए मैनेजर अगर फ्रीक्वेन्टली नाराज़ न हो तो उसे मैनेजर माननेवालों की संख्या दिनों- दिन कम होती जाती है.

तब कैसे पता चलेगा? चलिए शर्मा जी के मन की बात पढ़ने की कोशिश करते हैं. क्या कहा? यह संभव नहीं? लगता है आपने श्री गोविंदा की महान फिल्म दूल्हे राजा नहीं देखी है इसीलिए ऐसा कह रहे हैं. आपने देखा नहीं कि उस फिल्म में गोविंदा जी किस तरह से किसी के मन की बात सुन लेते.....क्या कहा? समझ में आ गया? ये अच्छा हुआ नहीं तो मैं उस फिल्म के डायलॉग लिखकर आपको बताने की कोशिश करता जिससे आप बोर होते. समझदार पाठक की यही निशानी है कि वह बोरे होने से बचता रहे.

तो चलिए शर्मा जी के मन की बात सुनते हैं....मैंने पता लगा लिया. अब पढ़िए कि शर्मा जी क्यों मुस्कुराए.

आज उन्होंने अपने एक क्लायंट के साथ तीन बजे मीटिंग फिक्स कर ली है. काबिल मैनेजर की यही निशानी है कि वह अपने आफिस से दूर किसी क्लायंट से तीन बजे मीटिंग फिक्स कर ले जिससे मीटिंग ख़त्म होते-होते साढ़े चार बज जाए. जिससे वह वहाँ से निकल कर अपने आफिस फ़ोन करके यह बता सके कि अब आफिस पहुँचते-पहुँचते साढ़े पाँच बज जायेंगे इसलिए वह यहीं से घर चले जा रहे हैं. वैसे भी आफिस में कोई और मीटिंग तो है नहीं. आज मंगलवार है और मिड ऑफ द वीक मीटिंग वृहस्पतिवार को होती है. उस दिन तो छ से नौ बजे तक झक मारकर आफिस में बैठना ही पड़ता है. ऐसे में क्यों न वे आज घर जल्दी पहुंचकर मिसेज शर्मा को सरप्राइज दें?

श्रीमती जी सरप्राइज देने वाली बात उनके मन में आई ज़रूर है लेकिन उसको लेकर वे बहुत कन्विंश नहीं हैं. कारण यह है कि उन्होंने जब भी अपनी श्रीमती जी को सरप्राइज देने की कोशिश की है उनका सरप्राइज औंधे मुँह गिरा है. पहली बार कोशिश उन्होंने तब की थी जब मिसेज शर्मा के जन्मदिन पर उन्होंने एक फेमस ब्रांड की ईयर-रिंग्स खरीद कर उन्हें गिफ्ट की थी. उन ईयर-रिंग्स को देखकर मिसेज शर्मा का पहला रिएक्शन था; "क्या जरूरत थी इतना पैसा खर्च करने की?" दूसरा रिएक्शन था "इसकी डिजाइन कित्ती तो ओल्ड है."

श्रीमती जी के रियेक्शंस सुनकर शर्मा जी को एक क्षण के लिए लगा कि उनके फ्लैट की फर्श फट जाए जिससे वे उसमें समा जायें. यह बात अलग थी कि ऐसा हो न सका. बिल्डर ने फ्लैट की फर्श उतनी भी कमजोर नहीं बनाई थी कि घर की मालकिन को ईयर-रिंग्स पसंद न आने पर फट जाती. अपनी शर्म को समेटे शर्मा जी को मन मार कर चुप रह जाना पड़ा था. दूसरी बार उनका सरप्राइज तब औंधे मुँह गिरा था जब काम करने वाली मेड के दो दिनों तक न आने की वजह से उन्होंने श्रीमती जी की मदद करने के लिए तब बर्तन धो देने की कोशिश की थी जब वे नीचे सब्जी वाले से सब्जी खरीदने गयीं थीं. वापस आकर जब उन्होंने देखा कि शर्मा जी ने सारे बर्तन धो डाले थे तो उन्होंने यह कहते हुए अपनी नाराजगी दिखाई कि; "जब तुम्हें मालूम नहीं है कि बर्तन धोकर रखना कैसे है तो क्या जरूरत थी उसे धोने की?"

उस दिन फर्श में समा जाने की बात उनके मन में नहीं आई क्योंकि उन्हें यह बता पता थी कि फर्श के फटने का कोई चांस नहीं था. हाँ, यह बात मन में जरूर आई कि कौन सा बहाना बनाकर वे घर से तीन-चार घंटे के लिए निकल जायें? चूंकि उन्हें तुरंत कोई बहाना नहीं सूझा था इसलिए घर में ही रहकर आधे घंटे तक वे मिसेज शर्मा की बातें सुनते रहे. कुछ देर बाद टीवी पर चल रहे एक सिंगिंग रियलिटी शो ने उन्हें उबारा. तीसरी बार उनका सरप्राइज तब...खैर जाने दीजिये. पुरानी बातों के बारे में बात करके क्या फायदा?

वहीँ दूसरी तरफ मिसेज शर्मा ने जब भी चाहा 'आर्यपुत्र' को सरप्राइज देने में हमेशा कामयाब रहीं. पहली बार उन्होंने तब सरप्राइज दी जब पड़ोस की अपनी फ्रेंड मिसेज सुरी के रस्ते पर चलते हुए एक बदनाम फिनांस कंपनी में डिपोजिट अकाउंट इसलिए खोला क्योंकि उसके एजेंट के अनुसार पाँच साल तक पैसा जमा करने से उन्हें कंपनी के हाउसिंग प्रोजेक्ट में फ्लैट मिलना था. दूसरी बार मिसेज शर्मा ने तब सरप्राइज दिया...खैर जाने दीजिये. जब शर्मा जी के सरप्राइज की बात और नहीं हुई तो बराबरी का तकाजा है कि मिसेज शर्मा के सरप्राइज की बात को भी आगे न बढ़ाया जाय.

अपनी सरप्राइज देने की कोशिशों के हर बार धरासायी होने के बावजूद आज एक बार फिर से शर्मा जी के मन में आया कि सरप्राइज पर एक बार फिर से हाथ आजमाया जाय. कोशिश करने में हर्ज़ ही क्या है? उन्होंने आठवीं कक्षा में बच्चन जी की कविता बड़े मन से पढ़ी थी जिसमें बताया गया था कि; "कोशिश करने वालों की हार नहीं होती.." बच्चन जी की फिलासफी से प्रभावित शर्मा जी ने आज मन में एक बार फिर से ठान ही लिया कि वे बहुत दिनों बाद श्रीमती जी को सरप्राइज करेंगे.

मीटिंग ख़त्म करके वे घर की तरफ रवाना हो लिए.

कार की पिछली सीट पर बैठे वे घर की तरफ चले जा रहे हैं. अगर आप वैज्ञानिक बुद्धि की अधिकता वाले पाठक हैं तो यह भी कह सकते हैं कि शर्मा जी घर की तरफ कहाँ जा रहे हैं? घर की तरफ तो उनकी कार जा रही है और यह संयोग की बात है कि चूंकि वे भी उसी कार में बैठे हैं इसलिए वे भी घर की तरफ जा पा रहे हैं. खैर जो भी हो, घर की तरफ चले जा रहे शर्मा जी ने अपनी घड़ी पर एक निगाह डाली. मन ही मन सोचा; 'वाह,! आज बहुत दिनों बाद सवा पाँच बजे तक घर पहुंचकर मिसेज को सरप्राइज दूंगा.'

आस-पास से जाने वाली कारों में बैठे लोगों को देखकर वे मन ही मन यह अनुमान भी लगाते जा रहे थे कि इनमें से कितने लोग़ इतनी जल्दी अपने घर जा रहे होंगे? दूसरे ही पल सोचते; 'इनलोगों को देखकर तो नहीं लगता कि ये लोग़ अपने घर जा रहे हैं. देखकर तो यही लगता है कि क्लायंट के साथ मीटिंग करके अपने आफिस वापस जा रहे हैं.'

उनके मन में कई बार आया कि किसी सिग्नल पर वे कार का विंडो ग्लास नीचे खिसका कर बगल वाली कार में बैठे साहब से पूछ लें कि; "आप क्लायंट के साथ मीटिंग ख़त्म करके अपने आफिस वापस क्यों जा रहे हैं? वहीँ से घर क्यों नहीं चले गए? मुझे देखिये...." उनके मन में यह भी आया कि एक बार विंडो ग्लास नीचे खिसका कर वे चिल्लाकर लोगों को बताएं कि वे आज बहुत जल्दी अपने घर जा रहे हैं. यह भी कि जल्दी घर पहुंचकर अपनी श्रीमती जी को सरप्राइज देना चाहते हैं. यह भी कि जीवन की इस आपा-धापी में बीच-बीच में ऐसा करने से एक मैनेजर की घर के प्रति जिम्मेदारियां निभ जाती हैं.

ऐसा करने के बाद कोई उसके ऊपर आरोप नहीं लगा सकता कि वो केवल आफिस में अपने काम में बिजी रहता है और घर की तरफ ध्यान नहीं देता.

न्यूटन जी का रहस्योद्घाटन कि; "कोई वस्तु गतिशील अवस्था में तबतक रहती है जबतक उसपर बाहरी बल न लगाया जाय", आज एक बार फिर से तब सच्चा साबित हुआ जब शर्मा जी के ड्राइवर ने बिल्डिंग के नीचे पहुँच चुकी उनकी कार पर ब्रेक लगा दिया. थोड़ी ही देर में शर्मा जी अपने फ्लैट के सामने थे. उन्होंने "आज मौसम है बड़ा, बेईमान है बड़ा.." गुनगुनाते हुए डोरबेल बजाई. करीब तीन मिनट तक दरवाजा नहीं खुला. उन्होंने एक बार फिर से मौसम के बेईमान होने की बात गाने में बताते हुए डोरबेल बजाई. इसबार दरवाजा खुला. सामने मिसेज शर्मा खड़ी थीं.

उन्होंने बायें हाथ से दरवाजा खोला. अपने दायें हाथ की उँगलियों को इस तरह से आड़ी-तिरछी कर रखी थीं जैसे परदे पर शैडो बनानेवाला कोई कलाकार तोता बनाने की कोशिश करता हुआ बरामद हुआ हो. उँगलियों को आड़ी-तिरछी रखकर तोता बनाने के पीछे कारण यह था कि जब अचानक डोरबेल बजी तो वे किचेन में बर्तन धो रही थी. ऐसे में पानी में भीगी उँगलियों और हथेली का तोते में कन्वर्ट हो जाना एक स्वाभाविक बात थी.

दरवाजा खोलने के बाद अपनी उँगलियों से बनाये गए तोते को बड़े प्यार से संभालते हुए वे वापस किचेन में चली गईं. शर्मा जी के चेहरे पर गर्व के वही भाव थे जो जल्दी घर आकर सरप्राइज देने वाले हसबैंड के चहरे पर होते हैं. सोफे पर बैठते हुए उन्होंने मिसेज से कहा; "डार्लिंग, एक कप चाय हो जाए."

इतना कहने के बाद वे एक बार फिर से बेईमान मौसम की बात वाले गीत के बहाने मोहम्मद रफ़ी की मिमिक्री करने की कोशिश करने लगे. पाँच मिनट बाद मिसेज ने टेबिल पर लाकर चाय से भरा कप लगभग पटकते हुए रख दिया. एक कप चाय देखकर शर्मा जी बोले; "अरे, अपने लिए नहीं बनाया? एक ही कप चाय ले आई?"

उनकी बात सुनकर मिसेज शर्मा बोलीं; "तुम्ही ने तो कहा कि एक कप चाय हो जाए. तो एक कप ले आई."

मिसेज की बात के सहारे उनका तेवर पढ़ते हुए उन्हें अपना सरप्राइज आज एकबार फिर से धरासायी होता हुआ दिखाई दिया. स्थिति को भांपकर उसे सँभालने की कोशिश करते हुए बोले; "हे हे, तुम भी न. अच्छा कोई बात नहीं. चलो आज कटिंग चाय पी लेंगे."

उनकी बात सुनकर मिसेज शर्मा ने कप उठाकर एक घूँट चाय पी और कप को प्लेट में वैसे ही पटका जैसे एल बी डब्लू के गलत डिसीजन का शिकार बैट्समैन अपना बैट पटकता है. यह करने के बाद वे फिर से रसोई घर में चली गईं.

अपनी सरप्राइज को जिन्दा रखने की कवायद करते हुए शर्मा जी ने उसे फिर से बातों की संजीवनी बूटी पिलाने की कोशिश की. बोले; "चलो, आज जल्दी आ गया हूँ तो बाहर चलकर डिनर करते हैं. आज चायनीज खाते हैं."

उनकी बात सुनकर मिसेज ने रसोई से ही आवाज़ लगाई; "कोई जरूरत नहीं है. वैसे भी खाना बन गया है."

शर्मा जी ने परिस्थिति को फिर से सँभालने की कोशिश करते हुए कहा; "कोई बात नहीं. डिनर में तो अभी देर है. चलो जुहू चौपाटी चलते हैं. वहाँ थोड़ा घूम लेंगे. पानीपूरी खाए बहुत दिन हो गया, आज पानीपूरी खाकर आते हैं. वैसे एक काम और कर सकते हैं. वो पृथ्वी थियेटर में कई महीनों से एक बड़ा हिट प्ले चल रहा है,रावणलीला. सुना है बहुत कॉमेडी प्ले है. उसको देख आते हैं."

उनकी बात सुनकर मिसेज शर्मा और भड़क गईं. बोलीं; "और ये काम कौन करेगा? किचेन में इतना बर्तन पड़ा है उसको कौन धोएगा? हुंह, और रावणलीला देखने के लिए थियेटर क्यों जाना? रावणलीला तो में घर में ही देख रही हूँ. वो कम है क्या?"

उनकी बात सुनकर शर्मा जी किचेन में गए. किचेन का स्लैब बर्तनों से भरा था. अब उन्हें अपने सरप्राइज के चित हो जाने की चिंता नहीं थी. उन्हें पता चल चुका था कि उन्होंने जितना समझा था, मामला उससे ज्यादा सीरियस है. बोले; "तुम बर्तन धो रही हो? सक्कुबाई नहीं आई क्या आज?"

उनके सवाल के जवाब में मिसेज शर्मा बोलीं; "वो क्या आएगी? मैं उसे आने दूँ तब न. उसका बस चले तो मुझे ही घर से निकाल कर इस घर पर कब्ज़ा कर ले. मैंने उसको निकाल दिया. हुंह, बड़े आये रावणलीला दिखाने वाले."

मिसेज शर्मा अब आपे से बाहर थीं. बायें हाथ से बालों को ठीक करते हुए बोलीं; "मैंने उसको ऐसे ही नहीं निकाला."

"लेकिन क्यों? वह तो अच्छा ही काम करती थी. खुद तुमने कई बार उसकी तारीफ़ की है"; शर्मा जी को अभी भी समझ में नहीं आ रहा था कि श्रीमती जी ने सक्कुबाई को निकाला क्यों?

"हाँ, तुम तो बोलोगे ही कि अच्छा काम करती थी. मैं क्या समझती नहीं हूँ? सब एक जैसे हैं. जगह कोई भी हो, सारे मर्द एक जैसे हैं. जैसा वो शाइनी आहूजा और खान, वैसे ही तुम"; मिसेज शर्मा ने अपनी बात रखकर धर दिया.

उनकी बात सुनकर शर्मा जी को हँसी आ गई. बोले; "कोई खान भी मेड के चक्कर में फंस गया क्या? कौन वाला फंसा?"

"हंसो मत. जैसे तुम्हें मालूम ही नहीं कि मैं वो अमेरिका वाले खान की बात कर रही हूँ. वो जो होटल में मेड के साथ...."

श्रीमती जी की बात सुनकर शर्मा जी की हँसी दिन दूनी रात चौगुनी स्टाइल में बढ़ गई. बोले; "अरे वो खान नहीं है. उसका नाम कान है. डोमिनिक स्ट्रॉस कान. और डार्लिंग, तुम मेरे ऊपर इतना बड़ा एलीगेशन लगा रही हो? मैंने तो आजतक सक्कुबाई से ढंग से बात भी नहीं की. मैंने ऐसा क्या कर दिया जो तुम मुझे शाइनी..... "

"अच्छा, तुम्हें क्या लगता है, मुझे कुछ मालूम नहीं है? वो सक्कुबाई ने मुझे सबकुछ बता दिया है"; मिसेज ने अब जोर-जोर से बोलना शुरू कर दिया था.

"अरे क्या बता दिया है?"; अब शर्मा जी को मामला और पेंचीदा लग रहा था.

"वही जो वो लड़का उस चॉकलेट के ऐड में अपनी वाइफ से रोज-रोज कहता है. आज मीठे में क्या है? आज मीठे में क्या है? उसने खुद बताया कि न जाने कितनी बार डिनर ख़त्म होने के बाद तुमने सक्कुबाई से पूछा कि मीठे में क्या है? अब कह दो कि तुमने ये नहीं पूछा?"; मिसेज शर्मा की आवाज़ तेज होती जा रही थी.

वे बोलती जा रही थीं और शर्मा जी को लग रहा था कि मिसेज शर्मा का हर शब्द शर्मा जी के सरप्राइज के गुब्बारे में पिन बनकर चुभता जा रहा है. गुब्बारे की हवा निकलती जा रही थी.

आप वह विज्ञापन भी देख लीजिये.

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